The Engaged Spiritual Life

I've finished Hunger of Memory by Richard Rodriquez, which I enjoyed, and am now reading Donald Rothberg's book The Engaged Spiritual Life: A Buddhist Approach to Transforming Ourselves and the World. I'm not very far along, but am loving it. I only wish I had someone to read it with, as Rothberg gives exercises that he suggests you do with another person or a group.

He explains that this book is about "both inner and outer transformation." He explains that "our real work is the same whether we attend to ourselves, to our families, to our communities, or to a larger society and ecosystems."

Right now I'm reading the section on the Five Precepts. He focuses first on three of the precepts: the first (non-harming), the second (not taking what is not given), and the fourth (wise speech). Then he groups together the third (not abusing sexuality) and the fifth (not abusing substances).

His approach is systematic in that he takes the precepts and looks at them in three different domains: the personal, the relational, and the collective domains. So for the first precept, he asks us to take three steps that are taking inventory of our patterns, paying attention to these patterns, and then making changes to these patterns in how we live our lives.

Although I'm reading on, I am going to take the exercises one week at a time, which means that this week I will focus on the first precept of nonharming. The actual precept is avoiding killing, but as Rothberg suggests, all the precepts have an implied positive action, not just a negative pattern to avoid. This means that the first precept is about not only not killing and not harming, but also working to assure others are not harmed, in short, taking action to prevent others from harming others.

So I'm off to take inventory.

Metta.

Take Refuge in the Sangha

I've been thinking lately about how grateful I am that I have the local sangha that I have. The people are wonderful, and having the community to share a set of beliefs and discuss practice with is invaluable. I know there are those out there who do not have that luxury, that books and web pages and podcasts are the closest they can get to a sangha. I'm sure that is better than nothing and suffices quite well. Nevertheless, I feel quite lucky and am very grateful for having these good people in my world.

John Travis retreat

I went to a day-long retreat yesterday that was taught by John Travis from Mountain Stream. I loved the retreat and really enjoyed John's teachings. His approach to meditation teaching is a lot less prescriptive. Instead of telling us to use this technique or that technique, he simply said to try to stay present and relax. (He expanded on this, of course.) As a result, even though we meditated for a large part of the day, I never once felt that good-God!-when-will-the-bell-chime? panic I sometimes feel when a meditation has gone beyond what I am accustomed to.

The topic for the day was The Liberation Teachings. The day was mostly meditation, not as much verbal instruction. He'd give us some small tidbits and then have us meditate. Then at the end of the day, he talked for about an hour. By the end of the day, I felt a lot more at peace, a lot happier, and definitely ready to meditate some more.

If you get a chance to attend a John Travis retreat, I highly recommend it. He is a gentle spirit.

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Our big, beautiful beast of a black lab mix tangled with a skunk last night. Yes, he stinks, although the hydrogen peroxide/baking soda/dish soap mix made a good dent in the stench. Yes, our house stinks. Yes, I worry that I stink.

The worst is that he has a cut on his nose, and his rabies shots were outdated. I had taken in our little dog, but the big dog weighs almost as much as I do. I can't handle him when he panics at the vet's. Husband was on the spot for that, and unfortunately it hadn't happened.

Yes, we are sore, loser pet owners. Yes, we're hating ourselves right now. Yes, we are ashamed.

So we get a visitation from the county animal control on Monday. The vet doesn't think he was bitten, but we may still have to quarantine him. FOR SIX MONTHS! (People, get your pets' vaccines up to date, if they aren't already.)

We also paid $150 for some test to see if he has enough rabies antibodies to fight off an infection if he did happen to be exposed. Meanwhile, he has to stay outside, all by himself, away from people and the other pooch until we hear from animal control.

BIG :(

Random Life Updates

Sorry for the funky formatting. For some reason, blogger isn't allowing me to separate my paragraphs today.

We threw a 40th birthday bash for my friend S. Happy 4-0!!! Yesterday was spent recurperating. I realized that once you reach a certain number of attendees at a party, you are no longer able to do much of anything but host. My mistake was serving mojitos. Next time we have a big party, the drinks will go like this: "The wine and beer are over there." Smaller parties allow for the mixed drinks.

Anyway, I think everyone had a good time. S got a lot of loving attention and some good loot. She does so much for us and our kids that I wanted to do something nice for her.

Meanwhile, my son has been very mommy-clingly lately. When I shower, he pounds on the shower door and cries, "Mommy! Mommy!" When I go to the bathroom, he sits outside the door and cries. If I'm doing the dishes, he's either attached to my leg or in my arms. I love that he's cuddly and adoring of me and know very well that will change before I know it. Nevertheless, I get tired and just want a moment of peace when I go to the bathroom.

He isn't sleeping well either. He's up for hours at a time in the middle of night. I've been pretty tired lately. He could be teething or experiencing growing pains. At least I'm not working right now and can give him the attention he needs.

J's Compleat Works of Shakeseare opens this weekend. They were only given three Sunday nights by the production company, which is about as bad as you can get, especially for a show that requires a certain amount of audience participation. Comedies are much better with crowds. So they're going to rerun the play for a different theater group this fall. At least it won't weeks of rehearsals again.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy.

The R word

Tonight our sangha talked about renunciation. CT gave the dharma talk. It spoke so directly to my current low-impact month and got me thinking about why I have been renouncing shopping. I have done it to teach myself new patterns of behavior and to maybe make a teeny, tiny dent in the size of our landfills and to maybe direct a slight shift in focus in my daughter's priorities. CT's talk got me thinking about how much more could be behind the why of what I do, how renunciation can open more doors for us, free us from attachments, and therefore make us happier.


At this point, I haven't renounced shopping enough to fully see its impact on me. I respect those who renounce shopping for an entire year; it's not an undertaking I'm willing to accept at this point. I suspect that to fully see how shopping impacts my life, I would have to give it up in full for a year.


Up until recently, I have led a self-indulgent lifestyle. I bought what I wanted (within budgetary reason (a squishy term)), ate what I wanted, did what I wanted. This whole renunciation thing is new to me.


But I did decide to list all the major attachments I have in my life that I could renounce:

• coffee
• sugar
• my iPod
• computer time
• TV time
• movie time
• naps
• negative talk
• alcohol

These are listed in order of hardest to easiest for me. The thought of giving up coffee sends my head into a dizzy tail spin. So the question then transforms: If I choose to renounce one of these, which one? The hardest? The most beneficial? The easiest?

It's cushion time. Blog w/ya later.

Writing in Books

So one day not long ago, one of my friends picked up one of my books and gasped in shock as she flipped through it. She had seen my writing this book. This started a discussion.

My friend is an amazing poet. She reads voraciously (as voraciously as a mother of two lil' ones can). Although she is now a computer teacher, she is also a certified English teacher. She loves books.

I don't really read voraciously, and I'm a horrible poet, but I do love books.

The interesting thing is that our perspectives on the issue of writing in books were polar opposite:

She, loving books, sees writing in books as destroying something valuable, not valuable in a monetary sense, but valuable in an this-is-important-to-my-life sense.

I, loving books, see writing in books as engaging in a conversation with the author. The amount of writing in a book can often indicate how engaged I was with its content.

For her, it's destruction. For me, it just enriches the experience.

Low Impact Update

Here's an update on my low-impact shopping month. It hasn't been as successful as I would have liked, but I think I have established some healthier habits. Things I did:

1. Made 12 cloth napkins, which my daughter loves to use.
2. Cut back on the amount of bottled drinks I drink
3. Mostly cut out fast food, with a few exceptions
4. Purchased very little. I have purchased a couple gift cards, some scrapbooking adhesives, and a tiny ink pad. This week I will need to purchase a couple gifts.
5. Talked to my daughter about why we don't need or want to buy everything we think we need or want. I got lucky because Wall-e helped with this a lot.

I have not:

• Invited others to join me as planned.
• Ridden my bike at all. It's still needs to be summerized. No, that's not a typo. Not summarized, but summer- (as in the season) - ized.
• Walked many places.
• Made any more cloth shopping bags, although I was given a free Trader Joe's shopping bag at the conference I went to.
• Completely stuck to my plan of having meat for only one meal a day. Sometimes I will have a sandwich with meat for lunch, plus meat for dinner.

10 Goofy Things My Son Does

1. The words frog and foot come out sounding like fuck. It's a lot of fun when you're out in public and he starts pointing and yelling, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"



2. We count the stairs when we're going up or down. He likes to count on his own now. Five is his favorite number: two, FIIIIIIVE, sick, FIIIIIIVE, one, FIIIIVE.


3. He loves to straddle and sit on the dog. Fortunately, he's gentle, and so is the dog.


4. He likes to carry a spoon around. Couple that with his obsession with his pacifier and his blankie, and you've got a boy with busy hands.


5. His dancing looks like fast squats. It's as if you are watching an '80s aerobics video in fastforward mode.


6. He slowly crawls his way up the stairs as if delaying his own torture. But if you take his blankie and throw it upstairs, that slow crawl turns into an impressive scurry.


7. He loves to say goodbye to things, as well as people. When we left McDonald's the other day, he said goodbye to the table, the bench, each slide, the play ground in general, and the pile of dirt on the floor that he kept rubbing his feet in.


8. He wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. (Man! That's a hoot!)


9. He loves to turn off fans, which frustrates my husband to no end.
10. He says Ahhhh! whenever he hugs someone.

Just some pics today

Not feeling wordy today. Thought I'd share some pics.

We are so lucky to live near one of the most beautiful places in the world.

What I'm Reading and Bilingual Education

I just picked up Richard Rodriguez's book Hunger of Memory. It's labeled as an autobiography, but it reads more like a collection of essays dealing with his transition as he learned to speak English. In fact, one of the chapters, "Aria," is often included in essay anthologies.

I am enjoying it in a way that only an English teacher can. Rodriquez has this command over language as an artistic tool that is rare. As I read this book, I sink into the language and get cozy with it. The story's there, but it slowly creeps its way out from under the eloquence of the storytelling. His focus is on the effect of what happened, not the happening, so there is a great deal of philosophizing and reflecting.

My one problem with it is that he weaves into the story his arguments for opposing bilingual education. The problem with it, as I read it now, is that his arguments are outdated. The book was first published in 1982, when the only argument for bilingual education was that it took the fear and alienation out of the education system for non-native English speakers. So Rodriquez tackles and counters that argument. Now the debate has changed, and research has been conducted that seems to validate the efficacy of bilingual education.

Let me qualify: Education research is a tricky subject. The education of a child involves so many factors that it is difficult for researchers to cull out the causes to a particular effect. Case in point: At the conference I was at this week, we discussed the Time magazine ranking of high schools. If you are unfamiliar, here's their criteria for ranking: the number of students enrolled in AP classes. That's it. Nothing else. Just that.

Most educators roll their eyes at this. What makes a school "good" is much more complex than the number of kids enrolled in AP courses. One person pointed out that there is a great deal of evidence that shows that this criteria actually does relate to the quality of the school. Schools with high AP enrollment fare better in almost every manner gauged. My argument is that much can be playing into this. Maybe the school is fed into by a community that values education. Maybe its feeding middle schools are phenomenal, and so the students are more capable of taking AP classes. In this instance, the students, not the school, make the school "good." Maybe the school is in the Midwest with a very small immigrant, and therefore ESL, population, making the comparison inequitable.

These schools may still be "good," but the Time's list of the top best school implies that it's something that comes from the educational system, not its student population, that make a school "good." Humans are complex animals, their brains being probably the most complex organ therein. So who's to say what's accountable for its development?

Research can also be misused. Another case in point: As a result of No Child Left Behind, districts have to bring in training that's research-based to help teachers improve in their teaching strategies. We brought in this company that does a T4S (Teach for Success) protocol where three people come into your classroom, observe and check off boxes. They're looking for whether or not you do things that have been proven to be effective, like make your objective clear to your students. (One problem with this system is that are countless ways to make your objective clear, but because they are observing a 15 minute window, they want you to write it on the board and say it at least one time during the 15 minute block. It becomes a little forced, and therefore not authentic, IMNSHO.)

One of their requirements is providing a "literacy-rich environment." According to the T4S protocol, I have to have posters for kids to read, post student written work, and face books out in the front of the room, like Border's does with the occasional book, making it more enticing.

Now I'm a very practical person. I don't like fluff, and I don't believe that kids really learn anything from a poster of a cat hanging from a tree with a cute, pithy statement underneath it. I believe that as a high school teacher, my job is to instill a love for learning in my students by what I do, not by how I decorate my room.

I know, however, that this extreme thinking is a bit of a weakness on my part and that I could put more thought into my room. So a few years ago, I contacted the T4S company for my district and asked for more info on a literacy rich environment so that I could spend some time thinking more concisely about my room and how I put it together. They had no articles on hand, so they handed me their bibliography. I was only able to track down one of the articles.

In this research they had taken two teachers, one who was considered to have a literacy rich environment and one who was considered to not have a literacy rich environment, and compared how their students valued reading, how much they sought out reading, etc. You can probably guess the result. The crux is that the creators of this study defined "literacy rich" not by how many posters a teacher had up that a student could read, but by what she did in the classroom. Did she encourage kids to read when they were done with their work early? Did she read to them daily? Did she have a place for them to go to read comfortably? I haven't read all the research, but the one article I could find didn't say anything about the elements we are actually judged on. The research was also done in elementary classrooms, and somehow some people out there don't get that a 16 year old is quite a different animal than a 6 year old. My take is that the research has been misused.

(Wow! This is getting long. And a little off topic.)

So back to my point, there has been some research to show that bilingual education is effective, but we must take any educational research critically because it's a tricky little beast, educational research is. In Hunger of Memory, however, Rodriquez doesn't really deal with research. He deals with the humanity of the issue. He argues that although being forced to learn English by immersion (and his family all agreed to speak English at home, which is very unusual), he believes he lost something but gained a lot as well. I'm not done with the book, so I can't comment completely on it now. I can say that Rodriquez had a rather unique situation with parents who committed to speaking English at home and being a very devoted, book-wormish students himself, so his atypical experience can't necessary be compared to the more typical immigrant experience.

But I still love lingering in his words, his sentences, his images. It's poetry in prose. And for me, it doesn't get much better than that.

Why I Meditate

The other day, I was telling someone about the day-long retreat I had been to for meditation. This person said to me, "I have a good form of meditation that's easier than yours."

"Oh? What is it," I asked, biting into his baited statement.

"It's real easy. I get up in the morning, walk into the bathroom and take a Prozac. That's it. All done."

I was confused.

Then it occurred to me that this person thinks I meditate as a form of psychotherapy, or in his case psychotropic therapy. However, that's not why I meditate.

About a year and a half ago, I started exploring different faiths, reading a little about Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Christianity, Judaism, and Unitarianism. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with the teachings of Buddhism. So I started reading more.

I discovered that meditation is pretty much an essential element of Buddhism. I hesitated to learn to meditate, not really understanding what meditation is or why people do it and how it realted to the Dharma. But I gave it a try. I'm not a great meditator now, but a year ago, I could only meditate for five minutes. I now meditate for anywhere between 20 and 40 minutes.

After I started meditating regularly, I discovered that meditation does, in fact, have some psychotherapeutic benefits in that it makes me calmer and happier. But really, that's a pleasant side effect, not the real reason I meditate. I learned that meditating is a form of training the mind so that I can be more mindful during life. It's analogous to an athlete who lifts weights to increase his performance on the track, the cheer leading squad or the football field. The muscle is developed and therefore allows for better performance. I train my mind so that throughout the day I can be more in control of my mind and therefore my actions. I perform better.

Sure, meditation might equate to Prozac for me, but I never intended it to.

A friend of mine meditates, too, but her meditative practice is quite different than mind. Not lesser or better, just different. She developed her practice called Hemi-sync with this place called The Monroe Institute. According to The Monroe Institute's web page, "Hemi-Sync® is a patented audio guidance technology that works quite simply by sending different sounds (tones) to each ear through stereo headphones. The two hemispheres of the brain then act in unison to 'hear' a third signal – the difference between the two tones." The two tones, as I understand it, put the brain into the same wavelengths that scientist say people in deep meditation experience.

The experiences that follow, from what I understand, are dreamlike or mystical, often resulting in out of body experiences (OBE).

This would explain why my husband asks me every Monday night when I return from my meditation group, "How was levitation?" When I meditate, I don't have mystical experiences, and I'm not seeking that. I don't want to levitate, speak to God, or have an OBE.

I just want to be a better person.

It's Happening Again/Hoarding (be careful how you read that)

I am not receiving emails. Harumph! So if any of you have sent me an email that I haven't responded to, let me know.

My low-impact commitment slid a little last week. I ate fast food three days in a row. (gasp!) I was with friends two of the days and therefore not the only one deciding where we were going, but that's not really an excuse.

I went shopping, but at garage sales. I bought some clothes for DD (four pieces for a total of a buck, not bad, huh?), a mojito set (so NOT needed), and some Nalgene bottles (helpful, not needed).

Although shopping at garage sales does fall under the allowed list, it isn't helping me stop clinging to the process of acquisition, which is what I think is behind the problem. Cure the symptoms or cure the underlying illness?

I am a typical American girl. As a teenager, many weekends were spent shopping. It was a past time. This hobby slowed some while I was in college and I couldn't afford it.

Then I had a colicky baby who liked to be out and about, and I desperately needed to get out of the house. We did a lot of window shopping.

Ok. So often the "window shopping" turned into "cash register shopping."

Fast forward five years, and you'd see I have a house packed full of stuff. Not like those people you see on Oprah where you they have stuff piled so high they have to dig hallways for themselves. They call it hoarder's syndrome. But I have too much stuff and no where to put it.

If you ask me, this entire country has hoarder's syndrome. I'm not being judgemental. I can't because I'm right there with the rest of the country. But I am trying to slowly make a difference in my patterns of shopping and hopefully my children's too.

Originally my plan was to be more environmentally conscience. Then I read Hooked, the book of Buddhist writings on the need to consume, and I realized that my problem was that I am addicted to the process of acquisition.

So maybe garage sale shopping it not such a good idea.

I did make some cloth napkins and am making more. DD loves to use them.

Random Thoughts

• Quail are cute.


• My email has been touchy, and I haven't received some messages people have sent me. This is particularly frustrating in that I have been communicating with some people I know, but not well, and I don't know if they responded to my messages or not. I don't feel comfortable asking if they received the message.


• Do I ask people if they got my email?


• If they haven't gotten it, then it makes sense to ask.


• If they have gotten it and have responded, it makes sense to ask.


• If they have gotten it and have not responded, then I'm an irritating person.


• I like red.


• Toys have invaded our home. (waving white flag)


• I like the music to the movie Once.


• Yes, I am a complete dork.


• DH and I are attending AP conferences all week up in Tahoe. I'm nervous. Why?


• Maybe I'll be the only one there who doesn't know some element that's necessary to the AP Language curriculum, like whether an author is using a zeugma or what a meme is (or how to spell it).


• I don't like feeling stupid.


• I like to swim in the summer.


• I am hoping DH will allow me to hire a couple babysitters for my friend's birthday party that we're throwing for her.


• People would have more fun.


• But drinking around students is NOT cool.


• So maybe not.


• My friend turns 40.


• I wil be 38 in November.


• That sounds so old.


• I don't feel old.


• For my 40th birthday, I want to get a tattoo.


• Of a lotus flower.


• I had a monkey mind yesterday.


• I don't even get emails I send myself.


• That's just weird.

Might You Need to Update Your Voter Registration?

So earlier this week I get a call from the Obama campaign.

(Back up four years.) There was a time when I didn't vote. Then a time when I voted, payed attention to political news, and debated with friends. Then I started realizing that elections and campaigns don't happen magically. People are behind them. These people need help. Much of this realization came from my introduction to the Adlers, a very politically active family in town. So I started getting involved more, helping out. I walked door-to-door for Bonnie Parnell, who is a retired teacher (woop! to the teachers in the house) and now state assembly woman. Then I slowly started doing more. I stick to candidates and issues I feel adamant about, but I have committed to being more politically engaged.

(Fast forward to this week.) I get a call from the Obama campaign. They want to know if I'm willing to help. So I say yes. They want me to host one of those house party thingies.

I don't want a divorce, so I say no.

Can I work the booth at the Friday Night Party at 3rd Street? They'll be registering people to vote.

Sure, why not.

Here's what I envision: A white booth with "Voter Registration" painted in blue and red and little American flags flapping in the wind. I sit there with a fellow registrar talking about life and local politics and mutual friends while people come to us smiling and asking for the form to register to vote.

Cue record screeching, ala Alley McBeal.

It's a live rock concert. Of a band who plays covers of classic rock bands: Aerosmith, The Eagles, Van Halen. My job is to circulate the crowd and ask them if they'd like to register to vote or update their voter registration. Mind you, this is to people sitting in lawn chairs on a street, drinking alcohol and listening to classic rock. On a Friday night. They don't want me around.

Most are nice, but it really didn't seem the appropriate place for me to be walking around with a clip board. Then I get to sit at the "booth," which is a table set up outside Pop's BBQ with a poster that is made of printer paper taped together and "Voter Registration" written in orange high lighter.

OK. So this is a grass roots project. I know that these people have worked hard to make things happen, and the three bright and energetic, young, recent college graduates running the show are inspiring in their enthusiasm, work ethic, and vigor. And I know I have to leave my ego at the door when I'm doing things like this. I'm glad I did it.

But walking around with a clipboard asking partiers if they want to register to vote is not my thing.

Maybe a house party isn't such a bad idea.

Every Single Girl Color

I am posting an interview I did with my daughter today. It's for her scrapbook, and it cracked me up. I did learn one thing about my DD: she is definitely a girly, Barbie-lovin', princess-obsessed five year old girl. And she watches too many damn princess movies. S = brother.

July 12, 2008
How old are you?
4 . . . 5

What is your favorite color?
Every single girl color.

What are some of your favorite things to do?
It’s to play dress up and . . . umm . . . play with S, make tents and go to swimming, and the last one is coloring.

What is your favorite toy?
Well, Barbies.

What is your favorite movie
Umm . . . Umm . . . Ariel and Mermadia.

How was your dentist appointment this week?
Good.

What was good about it?
Well, the real thing is that I got to pick out jacks.

What else happened?
They showed me all the pictures when they took pictures of my teeth.

What is a wish you have?
I have one wish: I want my dreams to come true.

What are your dreams?
Being a princess.

What is one wish you have for S?
I have one that’s really, really fun. I wish that me and S would draw a picture with each other.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A mermaid. (long pause) Fairy.

What?
A mermaid fairy. I want to be a mermaid fairy.

Cabin Fever (Whine Warning)

So I've avoided blogging (aka whining) about the smoke in my area. People have lost homes; one firefighter has lost his life. It would be inappropriate to complain about the smoke when others are truly losing due to the fire.


But the smoke is becoming oppressive here, and I'm going to whine.

Last night ashes were sprinkling down on us. If this is what we're dealing with, I'd hate to see what it must be like on the other side of the Sierras.


I am getting some serious cabin fever. DD has asthma, so for weeks I have taken her outside very little. Little did I know that the smoke was only going to get worse. Fortunately, we made it to the beach yesterday for a couple hours before it got too bad. Today, however, started with a bright orange sun and a sky so smokey that I thought it was ready to rain.


It's summer, and I love the outdoors and even the heat to a certain extent. I want to take my kids to parks, out for walks, and to the beach. Instead we find ourselves entertaining one another inside. I get cabin fever. They get cabin fever. They are OD'd on mom, and I'm running low on creative things to do to entertain them.


I get a day off tomorrow. I'm scrapbooking with a friend at the scrapbooking store and then working the Obama booth at some outdoor thingy. Saturday, I'll be much happier to entertain my offspring again.


DH has been gone for rehearsals for The Compleat Work of Shakespeare, Abridged. I am thrilled about this show. My DH is a very funny man, and the Complete Works series can be pretty darn funny, too.

Jessie Jackson Hubbub (Rant Warning)

So while on the dentist's chair today, I get to watch CNN (but not hear it). Jessie Jackson is apologizing publicly to Obama for something he said after an interview when he didn't realize that his mic was still on.

I come home to try to find out what he said. CNN's article hinted at something to do with Fox News. This FOX News article indicated that the apology came before the comments were to be aired on The O'Reilly Factor.

Now I'm irritated.

I'm irritated at the hypocrisy of a Christian preacher who says such negative comments about someone he supposedly supports.

I am irritated with myself for gossip-seeking and actually turning to Fox News for that information.

I'm irritated with Fox News (not a new concept in our liberal household) for airing gossipy content under the guide of "news." (Although, really, is anything on The O'Reilly Factor ever really news?)

This is why I stick to Newsweek and Time and avoid CNN. Anymore, it seems like CNN is far too often airing celebrity tabloid stories. If I want to know who wore Armani to a red carpet event or the latest scoop on Brittany Spears, I have endless channels to wander through that allow me to participate in garbage TV. In fact, E! is devoted to pretty much nothing but that. So I want my news to remain news.

For the sake of full disclosure, I should fess up here: I do sometimes watch the tabloidy TV, especially after major red carpet events because I am in love with gorgeous dresses. But when I want to know what's going on with the current political election or the war in Iraq or the latest medical research, I should be able to turn to a channel largely void of the candy TV, one that gets straight to the chase.

About ten years ago, CNN ran this commercial: It was a spoof on the Good Morning America type shows. It was a commentator saying, "Big news overseas! But first, is your pet psychic?" I loved it because it so wells summarized those morning shows: Splatterings of news mixed with candy TV, which is fine as long as you know that's what you're getting. But CNN should be news. Nothing but news. And Brittany's split from Fed-ex and George Clooney's new relationship with Ms. Hotty is NOT NEWS!

Newsweek and Time have their gossipy stories, and they'll both probably cover the Jessie Jackson scandal, but at least I can sort through the article titles and choose what I want to read.

I apologize for the rant.

***

Back to the dentist's: I got two new front teeth! Woohoo. When the swelling in my gums go down, I'll post a pic.

New Playlist, Lazy Day

I added a Playlist to my blog. I hope you two readers out there don't find it too irritating.

Yesterday was a lazy day. I was craving a big hamburger, and since I'm not doing fast food, we went to Chili's, which turned out to not be such a good idea. The hamburgers come in baskets with a piece of paper underneath the food. My daughter had two baskets: one for her cheese pizza and one for the little tiny cup of mandarin oranges. It seemed wasteful.

Then I sat in front of the TV and watched MTV's America's Best Dance Crew (or whatever it's called). Love them Fanny Packs!

Signing off.

Anger and Irritation

I know I need to work with anger better. When I've been meditating regularly, I find I am much more in control of my anger with the outside world, but I still struggle with my frustration with my kids.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes in Being Peace: "When anger comes up, we are determined to not do or say anything, but to practice mindful breathing and mindful walking and acknowledge, embrace, and look deeply into our anger. We will learn to look with the eyes of compassion at those we think are the cause of our anger."

Sitting at my computer and typing that or reading it in the morning with a cup of coffee, I think, "Absolutely. That's not so hard."

Then my daughter wakes her brother and me up from our naps by screaming about the pincher bug in her room and then tries to trap her brother in her room to play camping while he screams non-stop and she tells me that she has to have him in her room because it's dark and they're camping and I can feel a temper tantrum coming (from her, not me) and I start to feel aggitated about needing to avoid a temper tantrum and I find myself overwhelmed with frustration.

Or we have this conversation: "Mom, what's a cabeedie."
"I don't know."
"What's a cabeedie?"
"I don't know."
"It's what Mailbox said on Blue's Clues. What is it? "
"I don't know."
"What IS it?"
"I don't know."
"MOM, WHAT IS IT?!?"

This conversation continues until I get irritated, to which she responds with the usual attitude, which irritates me more.

I don't hurt her. But I use a harsh tone with her. And I can often see how my tone escalates the situation. I use a harsh tone. Then she uses a harsh tone, which I respond to with an even harsher tone. Things continue until she's in time out and hysterical, and I'm no longer frustrated, but angry.

That first moment is a turning point. If I can only catch myself at that moment and be mindful instead of reactive. I mean, I am the grown up here, right?

I think I'll work on this the next couple of days: being mindful when I feel irritation coming on. It's harder than it sounds, but it's worth a shot.

The irony: A time out occured during the writing of this blog entry. DD was yelling at her brother for knocking over her "tent." **sigh** I think I need to go be present with my kids.

Metta.

Inspiration

I am currently reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book Being Peace. If you haven't read this, I suggest that you do. There are some places that are overtly Buddhist, but much of the book applies to anyone of any faith or background.

This is from my morning reading: Every day we do things, we are things, that have to do with peace. If we are aware of our lifestyle, our way of consuming, of looking at things, we will know how to make peace right in the moment we are alive, the present moment.

I found this very inspiring in many ways, but it especially spoke to me in terms of my current consumption awareness.

***

I am thinking about changing the name of this blog. Latte Mama sounds a little . . . awkward. And since most of my posts are about Buddhism, it seems appropriate to have that in the title. Another option, I suppose, is to keep this for family and start a new blog. Any thoughts?

Awakening the Dreamer

A fellow sangha member sent me a link to this organization called Awakening the Dreamer. (You can find it at awakeningthedreamer.org). It so fits well with my plan this month. Here is what they suggest for personal practice:

My Relationship with Earth/Environmental Sustainability

• Identify habits in the way I live that are unsustainable for me or the earth, that I intend to do something about
• Eat less ? _______ and more? _______
• Carpool, bicycle, take public transportation or walk ___ times each week in lieu of driving my own internal combustion vehicle
• Begin to investigate "one-earth" methods of transportation, heating, & refrigeration at home & work
• Purchase only items whose packaging, ingredients and methods of production are sustainable and support life. (Note: This may require research!)
• Spend some aware moments outdoors, in nature every single day
• Plant a tree, a garden
• Clean up a beach, trail, field, path, roadway
• Pay attention to and track the natural cycles of the moon, sun(light), stars, plants and animals

My Relationship with Others/Community/Social Justice

• Regularly initiate conversations about a sustainable, socially just & just human presence on the planet with friends, family, and the world at large
• Go online & investigate 10 "civil society" groups and/or initiatives that intrigue me & join at least one
• Investigate the current topics in my local community with regard to politics & environmental/social issues
• Write/email letters to:
• Buy only what I need (food, medicine) for a specific time period. Invite others to participate.
• Notice the times when society/the culture relates to me primarily as a consumer
• Make a micro loan to a third world entrepreneur and establish an e-mail relationship with him/her on kiva.org.
• Take a workshop on unlearning racism
• Set aside a percentage of my monthly income to support organizations working for social justice
• Open myself; educate myself about privilege/oppression
• Stay connected with participants from the Symposium

My Relationship with Self/Spiritual Fulfillment

• Designate a regular daily spiritual practice - meditation/yoga/prayer/other
• Investigate & watch for examples of interconnectedness everywhere
• Consider & pay attention to dreams, daydreams & visions as possible messages from another dimension of reality. Let the wisdom of Earth speak through me.
• Manage my conversation (internal and external) to be one of possibility and inspiration to myself and others
• Be compassionate & forgiving with myself, even when I don't do everything I think I should
• As a radical act: want less, buy less, use less
• Consciously read, listen to, watch, & engage with things & individuals that empower, uplift and/or have me be a more effective agent for Changing the Dream
• Read one page of something that inspires me each morning or evening
• Explore what is "enough" for me.

These are just a few examples, to get you thinking. Keep in mind these practices are meant to create an opening in our habitual way of going through life. These are guidelines, beacon lights, not sledgehammers. Compassion begins at home. When you notice you have gone to sleep, let go of the self-judgment, awaken, and renew your practice. Find partner(s) to support you in your practice. Have a great time with this!

Much of this I find inspiring. Sometimes it makes me feel like even when I'm committing myself like I am this month, that I am not even coming close to what I should be doing. I guess I'm just one girl trying to change her assumptions and her actions one baby step at a time. I am very much an American girl. Unlike many of my friends, I am very bought into the consumer culture, and it will take a long time for me to reformat my hard drive.

On another note, I did go shopping with my friend today and didn't buy a single thing (except an iced latte in my own to-go cup). Going into the stores knowing I wasn't going to buy really helped, and I didn't feel the urge to buy anything that I normally would have purchased. This just goes to show how important it is to set intentions.

However, I did have an interesting moment of clinging when I was at the check-out counter at Michael's with my friend. Ya' know how they have those impulse shelves by the check-out? Well, I can see why they do that. I suddenly felt the need to buy a set of four Sharpies, a note pad, and some gum. I wanted them. I really wanted them. Especially the Sharpies. How dumb is that?

Adios!

The Test

I'm not a big shopper like some women I know. I don't really enjoy clothes and housewares shopping. Clothes drive me crazy - most don't look good on me, require dry cleaning, and/or cost way more than they should. I find it more frustrating than fun. Housewares just seem like a boring necessity.

But I am a shopper of a different kind. I like to shop for crafting items. Today I am accompanying a friend to a craft store for a sale they're having. My rule is no purchasing of anything outside of groceries, which means I can't buy anything.

This is like an alcoholic going to a bar with his friends on Friday night.

But since much of what I'm trying to do is stop grasping, I think this could be a good practice for me.

Peace and happiness to all.

Day 5 of Low Impact

Today is day 5 of my low impact consumption. I'm not feeling well after eating junk food last night - coffee, hot dog, mojito, more coffee, and two pieces of key lime pie. I want some comfort food, specifically a Truckee Steal sandwich from Deli Francesco. But, alas, it's off limits. I haven't really felt tested until today.

It's easy to make excuses for our shopping habits, especially when it comes to food. We all need to eat. I will need eat lunch, and I can even convince myself that I need that Truckee Steal. That's why I like to give myself these challenges. It opens my eyes to what I need and don't need. What I can live without. Even more rewarding is when I find out that I actually enjoy life better when I live without.

I went to the movies the other night. Didn't get popcorn. Instead I brought my own cookies. I felt much better when the night was over than I would have had I eaten buttery popcorn.

Oh yeah, and I'm losing weight!

The picture is included because it's a reminder to me as to why I do this. It's because of my children, my neighbor's children, my friends' children, the world's children. I want to make the world a better place for them, one with less pollution and waste and one where people don't look for happiness on a Walmart shelf.

Black Widow Mama

Today I was watering with the hose. When I went to turn off the water, I saw a large black widow right underneath the faucet. I knew a spider had been living there. Because the web hadn't looked like a black widow's, I hadn't thought much of it until I saw her. She was large and that kind of beautiful that only a black widow can be. My children, however, play right there and often want to turn the water on and off. I couldn't risk them being bitten. Having a brother who was bitten by a black widow only makes me more nervous around them. DH was called into duty.

As he was getting the bug spray, the black widow wrapped her long, slender front legs around the egg sack I hadn't seen and pulled it into hiding.

It occurred to me how much she and I had in common. Both of us wanted nothing more than to protect our offspring.

Her last act has replayed itself into my head over and over. I feel terrible that we killed her. Doing so was definitely not living in harmony with the world around us. And to her, I'm sure I was the black widow.

Day 3 of Low Impact

I revised my low-impact plan for the month of July. The additions to the plan are italicized.

• Purchasing of nothing except necessary groceries.
• Making more cloth grocery bags out of fabric from my stash.
• Walking when possible.
• Talking to my daughter about our shopping habits and what it means to the larger community.
• Inviting others to join me.
• Making cloth napkins for the house.
• Using my cloth shopping bag more often.
• Eating meat for only one meal a day as much as possible.

Last week, DD and I planted seeds. It's so much fun to see the plants grow. I have a black thumb; I'm hoping these make it into August.

Packaging

One of the things I most struggle with in terms of the low-impact consumption is explaining to friends why it is useful for me to not buy things. A friend was frustrated with me the other day when I explained that I wouldn't be buying any sewing patterns, even though there was going to be a good sale. Her question was Why is it wasteful if you're going to actually use it?

The point for me is to restructure my thinking. What is useful, what is needed and what is wanted are all relative. I can sew with patterns I already have. I don't need more just because I want more.

The other issue, however, has to do with waste. Check out the following pictures. This stylus is one of four we ordered.

The following is a picture of all the packaging that the tiny little things came in.

I think it's important to be aware of the waste we create when we're consuming. Anything I buy has garbage that comes with it, garbage that was created using natural resources. I want more responsibility from the companies that I buy from, but more than anything, I want more responsibility from myself.

Low Impact Day 2

Right now my kids and hubby are at McDonald's having lunch. I have stayed home because I need lunch and am forgoing fast food, one of the worst examples of waste-creating industries. Every item is individually wrapped in its own wrapper and then placed into bags with all disposable utensils, cups, etc.

I know it may seem like cheating that my kids are there, but hubby hasn't joined the low-impact band wagon, and I am certainly not going to force it on anyone. I plan on trying to work with my daughter a little on this, however. She's five and probably able to grasp the basic concept and forgo a few things. I'll have to think of ways to get her involved.

Today I plan on making some clothe napkins, as it has occurred to me that we use paper towels way too often in our home.

Peace and happiness to all.