As I Age . . .

I am rounding out my 40th year. I know for many, this age is disconcerting, but it hasn't been for me. In fact, I have very much enjoyed this year. I guess I see myself kind of like a bottle of really good Cabernet. I improve with age. However, the aging process has caused some reflection on my part.*

As this year comes to a close and the big four-one draws nearer, I have been thinking about how I have changed as I have gotten older.

• I care less about how I look and especially how much I weigh. That might not always be a good thing.
• I care more about what I do with my mind. I don't mean intellectually. I am more mindful not only about my actions but about my thoughts as well.
• I love my hometown more and more every year. I used to mumble if people asked me if I was a Native Nevadan, but not anymore. I feel more tied to my school as well.
• I am happier. For a variety of reasons. One is that I have creative outlets that in my twenties I didn't have (it's amazing what some patterned paper and some ink can do for a girl). Another is that I have more love in my life. I have children and a husband whom I adore and some good, solid friendships.
• Because I am more financially secure, I feel more . . . well . . . secure. I don't have to stress over every Hero Arts stamp I buy or order only appetizers and water when I go out with friends. Money does buy a certain freedom from stress.
• I become increasingly curious about my heritage. I haven't started digging through the books of the Mormon church yet (yes, my maternal grandmother was raised Mormon), but I am asking more questions about my family and wanting to write down the stories I do remember, such as my great uncle having to tie his horse every morning at school or my Grandma Laird's memory of walking home and seeing a fire in the distance, only to discover that it was her own house on fire and that her mother was dead.
• My requirements for a car have changed drastically. I now want **gasp** a minivan. Yes, a soul-killing, mojo-depleting minivan. But it will mean I can fit my kids and their friends in it. I can't even fit three booster seats in the back of my car. And I would do anything for a GPS device (though that's not a sign of me changing - I have always been directionally impaired. I still get lost right here in the town I grew up in. Just this Saturday I got lost taking my son to a birthday party).
• I care less about what people think of me, though I am not going to lie - there are still days I am that sixteen-year-old girl feeling the need to please others. Still, the desire to please diminishes every year, and oddly, the more that happens, the kinder I become. And I do things others think I shouldn't, like talk about the "shit fields" with my students or let them use their phones to send me messages via Poll Everywhere's web site during class. If it works educationally, I am doing it.

This makes me wonder, how have you changed as you've aged?

Me in 2004 with the hubby and the first-born.

Me in 2011 with the teachers from Oklahoma and Hawaii.

*What am I saying? EVERYTHING causes reflection on my part. I live my life in reflection mode. But that's a beside the point.

A Few Deep Breaths

I read an email today from someone who had judged senior projects in which she lamented the quality of grammar in students' portfolios and asked if we are really graduating students who "who cannot reliably write grammatical sentences." 

Now, first of all, I feel compelled to say that I am open to hearing what people have to say about what they see in our seniors' work, and at that same time, I expect that it be balanced and not solely criticism. We know we have areas to work on; we also know there are a lot of strengths to what our students produce. I say that because I don't want people to feel they can't dialogue openly with me.

But with that having been said, I am going to drop her comment, even though I have a lot I could say. But as my day is winding down, I am not pleased the I am focusing my energies on such a short - albeit negative - moment of an otherwise wonderful day. So for that reason, I am going to end my day with a list of ten things that made me happy today:

1. I was able to give blood today. This made me happy because my iron is often one silly little point below the cutoff. It also made me happy because, as a baby blood donor, I get treated like a very special person when I walk through the doors of United Blood Services. Case in point: today I was told today I was "a very special person." Who wouldn't love that?
2. While donating blood, I had fifteen lovely minutes of quiet time to myself.
3. At The Salvation Army store, I found three - count them THREE, pair of pants for my son. As a boy who loves to play with trains, he wears out the knees of all his pants, so much so that patching doesn't do any good. So I am always looking for pants that will fit him for a reasonable price.
4. My students made me laugh today - a lot.
5. My students wrote very sweet things in their letters to next year's seniors.
6. After they took a shower, I got to sit with my kids for over a half an hour reading an Ivy and Bean book. This especially pleased me because Ivy and Bean are chapter books for girls, but my son was still happy to sit quietly in my lap and listen to the story about two girls getting themselves trapped in a crawl space.
7. The Senior Project Committee chose the recipients of our senior project awards. Some very deserving -- and probably unsuspecting students -- will be receiving these awards next week.
8. We had a nice family dinner tonight. It's simple. We do it every night with a few exceptions, but I feel lucky to have my two kids and my husband at my dinner table with me every night.
9. My kids cleared the table, took out the recycling, and cleaned up the living room. 'Nuff said.
10. In a few moments, I will be reading another chapter from Tina Fey's book Bossypants. This book isn't for everyone. You have to like her sense of humor. If you do, this book will make you laugh out loud - literally.

So, yeah. I guess I have become a little bit of a Pollyanna lately, as someone mentioned the other day. But as I am learning to let things go, I am increasing my capacity for happiness and making life better for those around me.

Cheers to the little things like a blood donation appointment and a chapter book!

For What It's Worth

All my jabbering about peace and happiness . . . . When I say, "I still have work to do," I mean it. Tonight I lost my temper with my son. On Christmas Eve. I didn't hurt him -- don't get me wrong -- but I did lose my temper. He wasn't behaving well, but let's face it: I'm the mom. I certainly do have a long way to go.

Watching Them Grow Part II

My lil' guy will be three next month! It's amazing how quickly time flies.

With his birthday approaching, I have been thinking a lot about how he has changed. He is a peculiar lad who gets very attached to certain things and certain routines. It's usually sweet and cute, although there are times it can make things difficult. Nevertheless, I thought I would share some of his cute quirks:

• He sleeps with a paci, two silky blankets and as many trains as he can cram into his bed.
• He loves to kiss me.
• He likes to take his Thomas train to the park and send it down the big, curly slide. In fact the above picture of him and his train was taken at a park.
• He is terrified of showers, spiders, nail clippers, and sitting on the toilet.
• Every morning when I get him out of bed, I dress him and then hang him upside down as I carry him downstairs. Once in the kitchen, I set him down and get him a granola bar. He sits in my chair at the table, but with his Thomas mat in front of him. (This is an example of one of his goofy routines. He isn't super flexible.
• He likes to sit on my lap while I surf the Thomas web page.
• He copies much of what his older sister does. If she says she has a stomach ache, he says he has one. If she says she doesn't like her dinner, he says he doesn't like his.
• He loves to be read to, which is one of my favorite things to do with him.
• He loves parks and the Children's Musuem.

Anyway, we're looking forward to Halloween, which around here is Friday because Saturday is Nevada Day. We get Friday off. WOOHOO!

Happy Nevada Day and Happy Halloween!

Watching them grow isn't always easy

My daughter is getting to be a "big kid." She already has that big kid attitude, the whatever in her voice. But she'll always be my little girl. I have been reflecting lately on her growing up and the things that I so admire or find endearing in her personality right now:

• She is an includer, always making sure people feel part of the group.
• Although she loves princesses, she also likes trains and tools.
• She is still, even at age six, a crazy dresser, and sometimes I want to scream You can't leave the house in THAT at her. Nevertheless, I bite my tongue and let her walk proudly out the door in her purple dress, red leggings, and rainbow socks.
• She is incredibly creative and can develop plot lines more intriguing that those in most children's movies.
• She can read better than some high school kids, no kidding. I knew she'd be a good reader, but holy cow, the girl can read some challenging material!
• She won't clean her room, but she will line up every toy in the bathroom, meticulously fold all the towels, strategically place the soap dispenser in the most particular way, and even line up the toilet paper rolls better than most OCD adults I know. Meanwhile, her room is literally dangerous to walk into.
• She has a better understanding of pitch than do I and is proving very successful on the piano.
• She draws lovely pictures of all sorts of things, but especially of people she loves.

Let us not forget to show our appreciation for those we love.

War

How do you explain war to an inquisitive six-year-old?

At the dinner table tonight, my husband and I struggled to answer our daughter's questions regarding war. What is war? Why is our country at war? Of the two wars we have now, which is "the good war"?

It saddened me to be explaining to this sweet child that people kill one another over serious issues, but also sometimes over money and greed.

Over the last few years, I have experienced a lot of sadness and guilt: I can get up every morning knowing with some relative certainty that my children will return home alive at the end of the day, but many mothers in Iraq don't have that luxury. Isn't that something that all mothers deserve?

I watched my daughter with pride and a little twinge of grief as her face got quiet after every answer we offered. She lost a bit of her innocence, her belief that the world is a completely safe and loving place. She seemed to understand the complexity of the situation, the gray areas of something as complicated as war.

This is what it's like to watch a little girl grow up. It's not entirely bad.

And then tonight I found this image:. It brought me to tears.

My one hope is that her generation can find away around killing human beings as a solution to problems. It's a far-off, light-headed dream, I know. But I'm willing to wait and see.

Fatigue

I should grade papers. I should do laundry. I should get things ready for the morning. I should put my toddler back into his bed for the umpteenth time.

But sometimes the evening fatigue weighs me down like an anchor.

Tonight I am moored.

And feeling very guilty.

Update

Wow! I haven't hardly posted at all in months. Things have been busy, but normal around here. Kids have been sick. Almost took daughter to the ER this weekend just before her asthma took a sudden turn for the better. We narrowly escaped a very large medical bill. Meanwhile, DS and I both got sick, too. I have been coughing a lot.

Went to Teach 4 Success training, which was actually pretty good. I got some good engagement strategies and did some strategizing with our principal and fellow department heads. It energized me, even though I coughed through the whole day.

I'm back to meditating six out of seven days a week.

LOVING that Obama is leading in the polls, but I'm not going to relax until he's president. Tomorrow I work the phones.

DH has a play going right now that he directed for the school. His Complete Works of Shakespeare finally closed.

Went to the doctor today and almost fainted when I got on the scale. YIKES! I need to work out and eat less. I'm definitely into the "overweight" category.

Shakespeare (abridged)

Going to see hubby in The Complete Works of Shakespeare (abridged) tonight. I'm taking my 5 y/o. Not sure how that's going to work out. We'll see. Daddy thinks she'll stay interested. At least it's outside, so the chances of her disturbing other theater goers is less likely.

Metta!

Random Life Updates

Sorry for the funky formatting. For some reason, blogger isn't allowing me to separate my paragraphs today.

We threw a 40th birthday bash for my friend S. Happy 4-0!!! Yesterday was spent recurperating. I realized that once you reach a certain number of attendees at a party, you are no longer able to do much of anything but host. My mistake was serving mojitos. Next time we have a big party, the drinks will go like this: "The wine and beer are over there." Smaller parties allow for the mixed drinks.

Anyway, I think everyone had a good time. S got a lot of loving attention and some good loot. She does so much for us and our kids that I wanted to do something nice for her.

Meanwhile, my son has been very mommy-clingly lately. When I shower, he pounds on the shower door and cries, "Mommy! Mommy!" When I go to the bathroom, he sits outside the door and cries. If I'm doing the dishes, he's either attached to my leg or in my arms. I love that he's cuddly and adoring of me and know very well that will change before I know it. Nevertheless, I get tired and just want a moment of peace when I go to the bathroom.

He isn't sleeping well either. He's up for hours at a time in the middle of night. I've been pretty tired lately. He could be teething or experiencing growing pains. At least I'm not working right now and can give him the attention he needs.

J's Compleat Works of Shakeseare opens this weekend. They were only given three Sunday nights by the production company, which is about as bad as you can get, especially for a show that requires a certain amount of audience participation. Comedies are much better with crowds. So they're going to rerun the play for a different theater group this fall. At least it won't weeks of rehearsals again.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy.

10 Goofy Things My Son Does

1. The words frog and foot come out sounding like fuck. It's a lot of fun when you're out in public and he starts pointing and yelling, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"



2. We count the stairs when we're going up or down. He likes to count on his own now. Five is his favorite number: two, FIIIIIIVE, sick, FIIIIIIVE, one, FIIIIVE.


3. He loves to straddle and sit on the dog. Fortunately, he's gentle, and so is the dog.


4. He likes to carry a spoon around. Couple that with his obsession with his pacifier and his blankie, and you've got a boy with busy hands.


5. His dancing looks like fast squats. It's as if you are watching an '80s aerobics video in fastforward mode.


6. He slowly crawls his way up the stairs as if delaying his own torture. But if you take his blankie and throw it upstairs, that slow crawl turns into an impressive scurry.


7. He loves to say goodbye to things, as well as people. When we left McDonald's the other day, he said goodbye to the table, the bench, each slide, the play ground in general, and the pile of dirt on the floor that he kept rubbing his feet in.


8. He wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. (Man! That's a hoot!)


9. He loves to turn off fans, which frustrates my husband to no end.
10. He says Ahhhh! whenever he hugs someone.

Just some pics today

Not feeling wordy today. Thought I'd share some pics.

We are so lucky to live near one of the most beautiful places in the world.

Every Single Girl Color

I am posting an interview I did with my daughter today. It's for her scrapbook, and it cracked me up. I did learn one thing about my DD: she is definitely a girly, Barbie-lovin', princess-obsessed five year old girl. And she watches too many damn princess movies. S = brother.

July 12, 2008
How old are you?
4 . . . 5

What is your favorite color?
Every single girl color.

What are some of your favorite things to do?
It’s to play dress up and . . . umm . . . play with S, make tents and go to swimming, and the last one is coloring.

What is your favorite toy?
Well, Barbies.

What is your favorite movie
Umm . . . Umm . . . Ariel and Mermadia.

How was your dentist appointment this week?
Good.

What was good about it?
Well, the real thing is that I got to pick out jacks.

What else happened?
They showed me all the pictures when they took pictures of my teeth.

What is a wish you have?
I have one wish: I want my dreams to come true.

What are your dreams?
Being a princess.

What is one wish you have for S?
I have one that’s really, really fun. I wish that me and S would draw a picture with each other.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A mermaid. (long pause) Fairy.

What?
A mermaid fairy. I want to be a mermaid fairy.

Cabin Fever (Whine Warning)

So I've avoided blogging (aka whining) about the smoke in my area. People have lost homes; one firefighter has lost his life. It would be inappropriate to complain about the smoke when others are truly losing due to the fire.


But the smoke is becoming oppressive here, and I'm going to whine.

Last night ashes were sprinkling down on us. If this is what we're dealing with, I'd hate to see what it must be like on the other side of the Sierras.


I am getting some serious cabin fever. DD has asthma, so for weeks I have taken her outside very little. Little did I know that the smoke was only going to get worse. Fortunately, we made it to the beach yesterday for a couple hours before it got too bad. Today, however, started with a bright orange sun and a sky so smokey that I thought it was ready to rain.


It's summer, and I love the outdoors and even the heat to a certain extent. I want to take my kids to parks, out for walks, and to the beach. Instead we find ourselves entertaining one another inside. I get cabin fever. They get cabin fever. They are OD'd on mom, and I'm running low on creative things to do to entertain them.


I get a day off tomorrow. I'm scrapbooking with a friend at the scrapbooking store and then working the Obama booth at some outdoor thingy. Saturday, I'll be much happier to entertain my offspring again.


DH has been gone for rehearsals for The Compleat Work of Shakespeare, Abridged. I am thrilled about this show. My DH is a very funny man, and the Complete Works series can be pretty darn funny, too.

Low Impact

For the month of July, I have committed to another low-impact consumption month. I am a little uneasy about it, considering that during the summer is harder because I'm off of work and have more time to . . . desire things.

Here are my plans:

• Purchasing of nothing except necessary groceries.
• Making more clothe grocery bags out of fabric from my stash.
• Walking when possible.
• Talking to my daughter about our shopping habits and what it means to the larger community.
• Inviting others to join me.

Here are some exceptions:

• Starbucks is allowed if I bring my own cup and request that they not print a receipt.
• Necessary groceries is a pretty flexible term to include things like ice cream and coffee and coffee cream, which are not essentials, but are groceries.
• I am throwing a 40th birthday party for my best friend that includes a guest list of more than 70 people. I am going to be using disposable dishes for this event.
• I will need to buy a few birthday presents.

The undecideds:

• The last time I did this, allowed myself to buy digital items: songs, digital scrapbooking graphics, etc. I'm not so sure about that this time. Part of why I am doing this is to practice letting go of the process of acquisition. Shopping for digital items is shopping.
• Last time I allowed myself to go to non-take out restaurants. The problem is that I usually end of bringing home food in a large styrofoam container or just leaving food to be tossed. Both are wasteful. Another option is to commit to ordering only what I know I want to eat.

Objectives:

• To establish a pattern of more responsible consumptive patterns.
• To practice letting go of the process of acquisition.
• To give myself more time for the things I love: my family and friends, my hobbies, my Buddhist practice, the Dharma.

Care to join me?

One a different note: I was reminded of the importance of mindfulness when I realized I had over-dosed my son with Tylenol by giving him the dose for Children's Tylenol but with the Infant's Concentrate. Luckily, I realized it before I had given him another dose. The problem with Tylenol, as I learned from Poison Control, is that it's not just the one dose that is the problem; you have to look at how much they've had over a 24 hour period. Two doses would have meant a trip to the ER. More than that may have meant liver failure, even possibly death. This is what happens when your mind isn't clear, and you're being reactive to the stressful environment, rather than in control of yourself.

Pic Happy

I love taking pictures of my kids. Here are a few from preschool grad and from the Ashland trip.

Being In the Body

At the right speech retreat, we talked a lot about the importance of "being in the body." By this, I believe, we mean to be aware of our physical presence - how we're feeling. It came up because when we're dealing with a conflict, it's good to be aware of how we're physically responding to the person so that we can be mindful of our actions. For example, if I find that my muscles tighten when I'm talking to someone, I can think about how I am feeling tense and try not to let my tension drive my part in the conversation.

Overall, however, being in the body contributes more broadly to living mindfully, and I've been working on being aware of my physical responses to my world.

Tonight, my son came down with a high fever . . . and quickly at that. I felt panicky. I know I can't get hysterical when my kids are sick, partly because I know I'm most likely overreacting and partly because I know it can only make the situation worse. So I tried to think about my physical reaction to the situation. My chest muscles were tight, I had butterflies in my stomach, and (something I have recently noticed happening) my arms were tingling. (The arm tingling I have noticed a lot lately. I've never really been aware of it before; I'm guessing this is the result of me now becoming more mindful, not because the tingling is new.)

I reminded myself of the concept of clinging, that I was clinging to my son's health. Part of me thought I need to let go. Sickness is part of life. Stop clinging to his health. And the other part of me thought Screw that! My son is sick! My son is sick! When you're imagining the worst case scenario - (Dare I say it?) that your child may die - being mindful seems a little . . . pointless. Nevertheless, I tried to stay mindful, tried to stay calm at least on the exterior.

My son's fever dropped to 100.3 after Tylenol and a cold bath. Now he's in bed, and I have all night to worry. It will be a good exercise in being mindful, present, and in the body. And a good exercise in realizing that the world doesn't end just because my lil' guy has a fever.

On another note: Thanks to Tori for acknowledging that she has read my blog. (Hello, Tori!)

Not Such a Baby Anymore

DD turned 5 this week. Definitely made me stop and reflect on how quickly they grow up. She'll be in kindergarten next year. DS is a year and a half and has officially reached toddlerdom, moved out of babyhood. They won't be babies for ever, I guess.


I thought this was a funny pic of DS. He dropped his pacifier into the sand and apparently didn't care for the texture. This summer, we'll be breaking the paci habit.

On a side note, this pic was a bugger to fix the coloring on. He was under a tree, and a green shade was vaguely present. The normal Adobe fixes weren't working, so I had to go into more advanced settings.

As an aside to my aside, DH bought me a new camera for Mother's Day. Finally got it connected to the computer today and have been playing nonstop since.

I don't HEART Albuterol

Take an overactive 5 year-old who resists sleep. Make her sick and therefore a little . . . (how to say this with wise speech?) temperamental. Then give her a drug that makes her more hyper (and even more resistant to sleep) as well as agitated. Add to it a sick toddler and a sick mommy. What do you get? Exhaustion.

Wise Speech

I went to my first Buddhist retreat this weekend. It was a day-long retreat on the beautiful grounds of the Washoe Pines ranch in Washoe Valley, NV. Donald Rothberg taught about Right Speech. The content wasn't really new to me, but Donald did a wonderful job of structuring activities for reflection and practice. (If you ever get the chance to go to a retreat taught by Donald, I suggest you take it. He is interesting and inspiring, and he uses proven teaching strategies.)

We were reminded of the 4 qualities of wise speech:

1. Truthful
2. Helpful
3. Kind
4. Well intended (including right timing and appropriateness)

For those who are not familiar with this teaching: The idea is that everything you say (or write) should meet all four criteria. If something is kind and helpful, but not an honest observation, it should not be communicated. If something is honest, but won't help the person, it should not be said. If it's truthful, helpful and kind, but it's not the appropriate time, one should wait. If it's truthful, helpful and timely, but your tone is harsh (and therefore not kind), it's not wise speech.

I could work on all four of these, but I mostly struggle with the timing issue and the helpful issue. With inner reflection, I can know that something is true and kind, but the helpful and the timing can sometimes be a little bit of a crap shoot. I've learned this with students. There have been times when I have been pretty insistent that a student understand my expectations, only to later find out the student had just recently lost a parent. I think I need to explore this issue further.

The sangha continued the discussion Monday night. We agreed to assign ourselves a homework assignment. I decided to try the spend-a-week-not-talking-about-someone-not-in-the-room homework assignment. This applies to even saying good things. It's a practice in being aware of how much we talk about others. This has been very difficult for me. I knew I would have to give myself some exceptions as department head, as much of my job is representing admin to the department and vice versa, but it has been almost overwhelming how many times I have been challenged with this. For example, I was on the hiring committee for the new principal. Someone asked me if I thought our choice would make a good principal. If I hadn't said anything, it would have "said" a lot that I didn't want said. I am happy with our new principal, and I felt it important as department head that I share that with this person.

Another challenge is trying to break the gossiping/whining/complaining pattern that I have with some people. I don't want to embarrass them by making a statement about not wanting to engage in a conversation they started, since I helped establish that pattern of communication. With my closest friends it's easy because I can tell them what I'm doing, but with the lunch room crew, with my peers at work, it's more of a challenge. I have kept quiet and even left the room. And I have jumped in a couple of times. I'm wondering if there is a way to say, "I am working on not talking about people who are not present," or if redirecting conversation is the better approach.

Well, it's time to put the kidlings to bed. I guess this blog is becoming more about Buddhism than anything else.

DD is sick with an asthma attack. DS has a runny nose and a cough. Cannot cling to their health.