Wise Speech

I went to my first Buddhist retreat this weekend. It was a day-long retreat on the beautiful grounds of the Washoe Pines ranch in Washoe Valley, NV. Donald Rothberg taught about Right Speech. The content wasn't really new to me, but Donald did a wonderful job of structuring activities for reflection and practice. (If you ever get the chance to go to a retreat taught by Donald, I suggest you take it. He is interesting and inspiring, and he uses proven teaching strategies.)

We were reminded of the 4 qualities of wise speech:

1. Truthful
2. Helpful
3. Kind
4. Well intended (including right timing and appropriateness)

For those who are not familiar with this teaching: The idea is that everything you say (or write) should meet all four criteria. If something is kind and helpful, but not an honest observation, it should not be communicated. If something is honest, but won't help the person, it should not be said. If it's truthful, helpful and kind, but it's not the appropriate time, one should wait. If it's truthful, helpful and timely, but your tone is harsh (and therefore not kind), it's not wise speech.

I could work on all four of these, but I mostly struggle with the timing issue and the helpful issue. With inner reflection, I can know that something is true and kind, but the helpful and the timing can sometimes be a little bit of a crap shoot. I've learned this with students. There have been times when I have been pretty insistent that a student understand my expectations, only to later find out the student had just recently lost a parent. I think I need to explore this issue further.

The sangha continued the discussion Monday night. We agreed to assign ourselves a homework assignment. I decided to try the spend-a-week-not-talking-about-someone-not-in-the-room homework assignment. This applies to even saying good things. It's a practice in being aware of how much we talk about others. This has been very difficult for me. I knew I would have to give myself some exceptions as department head, as much of my job is representing admin to the department and vice versa, but it has been almost overwhelming how many times I have been challenged with this. For example, I was on the hiring committee for the new principal. Someone asked me if I thought our choice would make a good principal. If I hadn't said anything, it would have "said" a lot that I didn't want said. I am happy with our new principal, and I felt it important as department head that I share that with this person.

Another challenge is trying to break the gossiping/whining/complaining pattern that I have with some people. I don't want to embarrass them by making a statement about not wanting to engage in a conversation they started, since I helped establish that pattern of communication. With my closest friends it's easy because I can tell them what I'm doing, but with the lunch room crew, with my peers at work, it's more of a challenge. I have kept quiet and even left the room. And I have jumped in a couple of times. I'm wondering if there is a way to say, "I am working on not talking about people who are not present," or if redirecting conversation is the better approach.

Well, it's time to put the kidlings to bed. I guess this blog is becoming more about Buddhism than anything else.

DD is sick with an asthma attack. DS has a runny nose and a cough. Cannot cling to their health.