As I Age . . .

I am rounding out my 40th year. I know for many, this age is disconcerting, but it hasn't been for me. In fact, I have very much enjoyed this year. I guess I see myself kind of like a bottle of really good Cabernet. I improve with age. However, the aging process has caused some reflection on my part.*

As this year comes to a close and the big four-one draws nearer, I have been thinking about how I have changed as I have gotten older.

• I care less about how I look and especially how much I weigh. That might not always be a good thing.
• I care more about what I do with my mind. I don't mean intellectually. I am more mindful not only about my actions but about my thoughts as well.
• I love my hometown more and more every year. I used to mumble if people asked me if I was a Native Nevadan, but not anymore. I feel more tied to my school as well.
• I am happier. For a variety of reasons. One is that I have creative outlets that in my twenties I didn't have (it's amazing what some patterned paper and some ink can do for a girl). Another is that I have more love in my life. I have children and a husband whom I adore and some good, solid friendships.
• Because I am more financially secure, I feel more . . . well . . . secure. I don't have to stress over every Hero Arts stamp I buy or order only appetizers and water when I go out with friends. Money does buy a certain freedom from stress.
• I become increasingly curious about my heritage. I haven't started digging through the books of the Mormon church yet (yes, my maternal grandmother was raised Mormon), but I am asking more questions about my family and wanting to write down the stories I do remember, such as my great uncle having to tie his horse every morning at school or my Grandma Laird's memory of walking home and seeing a fire in the distance, only to discover that it was her own house on fire and that her mother was dead.
• My requirements for a car have changed drastically. I now want **gasp** a minivan. Yes, a soul-killing, mojo-depleting minivan. But it will mean I can fit my kids and their friends in it. I can't even fit three booster seats in the back of my car. And I would do anything for a GPS device (though that's not a sign of me changing - I have always been directionally impaired. I still get lost right here in the town I grew up in. Just this Saturday I got lost taking my son to a birthday party).
• I care less about what people think of me, though I am not going to lie - there are still days I am that sixteen-year-old girl feeling the need to please others. Still, the desire to please diminishes every year, and oddly, the more that happens, the kinder I become. And I do things others think I shouldn't, like talk about the "shit fields" with my students or let them use their phones to send me messages via Poll Everywhere's web site during class. If it works educationally, I am doing it.

This makes me wonder, how have you changed as you've aged?

Me in 2004 with the hubby and the first-born.

Me in 2011 with the teachers from Oklahoma and Hawaii.

*What am I saying? EVERYTHING causes reflection on my part. I live my life in reflection mode. But that's a beside the point.

2009: Best Article

I am a reader. That's how I learn about the world, and writing is how I process what I learn about the world. Right now, I've been on this kick of reading about the plasticity of the brain. I just find it a really cool concept that has far-reaching implications for me personally but also culturally if we use this information properly. So I subscribe to Rick Hanson's Just One Thing newsletter. Recently, he wrote in an article called "Take in the Good" about the brain's negativity bias and how it relates to happiness. He explains that humans have a natural tendency to focus on the negative - it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, considering that in the wild you have to pay more attention to the thing that might kill you versus the thing that brings you pleasure. Hanson explains some techniques to circumvent the negativity bias - mostly he says to set time aside to focus on the positive.

All of this is interesting, but the article meant a lot more to me a week later. I had decided to give it to my seniors to read. These students are anything but readers, and I do my best to find non-fiction pieces I can give them to help prepare them for college and to expose them to new ideas. Much to my surprise, they loved the article. They asked to keep a copy of it. One student came in before school to thank me for sharing it with him.

I was pleasantly shocked. It was nice to know that I found a topic they felt pertained to them; in fact, it was nice to know they saw it as a topic that pertained to them.

So really, this one Rick Hanson article ended up being a connection between me and a group of non-readers. Maybe, with any luck, the article will increase their curiosity about the world.

This weekend . . .

. . . was a blast. I got to attend one of the two single-day retreats by Donald Rothberg. He is one of my favorite teachers because he incorporates interactive activities to the day. While I felt that the second day's topic - Keeping Cool In The Fire: Becoming More Skillful With Inner Or Outer Conflict - was more personally relevant, I was only able to attend the Saturday retreat on Emptiness and Compassion. As it turns out, it was a happy accident, as I found the day enlightening and relevant.

I had previously decided the Buddhist concept of emptiness was beyond me, that okay - if I ever have the opportunity to go deep into practice, that I might get the chance to understand this topic somewhat vaguely.

But alas, Donald made the topic very clear. And this abstract concept is paradoxically kind of simple. He defines emptiness as no self without interdependence, meaning that we as individuals and our experiences do not exist without the myriad of other elements that play into/build upon the "self" and its experiences.

I try to come up with examples, but they fall flat, so let's just leave it at that. I feel very grateful to have had the opportunity to spend the day with such loving, compassionate people and to learn so much in so short a time. Plus, I meditated today for forty minutes, which I never do at home. It was a breeze. The day-longs definitely further my practice.

Meanwhile, DH and I attended a party sans kids, which we haven't done in YEARS. It was a blast hanging out with friends where none of us had to change a diaper, settle a dispute, leave at 7 p.m. for bedtime, or wipe a nose.

Today was productive. The kids spent the night at my MIL's house, which meant I was able to work on Rosalind's costume, clean my car, do laundry, go to lunch DH and meditate all without interruption.

I feel very lucky to have the life I have.

A Happier Note

On a much happier note, today my DS woke with a runny nose, but no fever. All is well.

The weather is beautiful, sunny with an expected high of 57 degrees. A beautiful day to spend with the family.

What I Learned from a Month of Low-Impact Consumption

(Note: this is a work in progress.) I have been reflecting a lot lately on what I learned from my month of low-impact consumption for the month of January (even while wandering the aisles of Walgreen's yesterday).

1. Let's start with the obvious: we don't need as much as we think we need. I tell this to overworked teens all the time. They can't get their homework done because they work until 11:30 at night (which is illegal). They have to work because they have to pay for insurance on their car. They have to have a car because . . . they have to get to work. I'm sure you see the problem with that logic, but after all, they are teens, and their brains are still part child. I try explaining to them that they don't need a car, that many people get by without them, that we have these things called buses. Now, telling a 17 year old that she can ride a bus to school is like telling Paris Hilton she only needs one purse. It just doesn't fly. But I never thought it was a lesson I needed to learn. But, alas, I realized the concept of need is a problem for even me. These thoughts went through my head during my low-impact consumption month: I can't finish this scrapbooking page without buying some more coordinating ribbon. I need to buy a new coat. I need a new pair of jeans. Before I finish this making this skirt, I need to buy a new measuring tape. Clearly, I survived a month without buy blue grosgrain ribbon. I cannot survive without food, and I think I can make a case, albeit a weak one, for my need for coffee, but very few things are needed in life. I have promised myself that I'll make the effort to use more appropriate language. I don't need grosgrain ribbon for that scrapbook page, but I think it would be cute. I would like a new jacket, but I'll survive without it. With only one pair of jeans I can squeeze into, another pair would be useful, but one does get me by. I could use a new measure tape, since mine's been sliced, but it's still largely usable.
2. Shopping takes up a lot of time. Not running to Target for tights for my daughter or to Famous Footwear for those "needed" brown tennies or to Old Navy for that great winter sale gave me more time to spend with my children and doing things I enjoy - like sewing, scrapbooking, reading, napping and, of course, meditating. And the not-so-fun, but productive things like grading papers and doing laundry. (The funny thing about the sewing is that I realized I spend so much time shopping for sewing that I don't have time to sew. I have accumulated enough of a "stash" to hold me over for a long time, years if I continue to sew at the slow pace I have been.)
3. I'm not as fragile as I thought. Here in Northern Nevada, we've been having an unusual stream of snow storms. I realized . . . or thought I realized . . . that I needed a new winter coat. The one I currently have fits well enough for me to wear it, but it's a little tight and definitely not zipable. Even with the cold weather, I decided that a not-so-well fitting coat is better than no coat at all, which is what many people, not just in other countries, but in our own town, have for the winter season. Feeling lucky for what we have is a rare commodity in a consumeristic society.
4. Fastfood is really fattening. I lost weight just by not going to McDonald's with my daughter.
5. It really doesn't take that long to make a couple sandwiches.
6. I don't miss fastfood when I don't eat it.
7. I use food as a comfort item. I never thought I did that, but when I had a bad day and didn't have my Starbucks cup to get a comfort-food hot chocolate, I thought my world would implode, which leads me to the next point:
8. I am obsessed with caffeine.
9. My daughter has adopted my consumeristic tendencies. She wasn't like that for years. We could go down the toy aisle of any store, and she'd enjoy looking, but not beg for toys. Not so now. I realized that when I was in the grocery store with her. My plan was to only buy groceries, but it was a struggle getting her out of the store without stickers, ice cream, and coloring books. We did it, though!
10. The best part was that it was truly an exercise in mindfulness. I realized how quickly I jump to the I'll just go to the store and buy it without even considering real need.

New Challenge/Staying Sane with Papers

For the month of February, I have decided that I will eat veggies with at least two meals per day. For some people, this may seem like a no-brainer, but I'm more of a bread and meat and fruits eater, so this could be challenging.

I forgot on Friday, so I started yesterday. It was good for. For lunch, I ate a salad before I ate the rest of my lunch. For dinner, I had hot and sour soup, which - now that I think of it - doesn't really have many veggies at all. Hmm... I need to pay more attention.

I wanted something that wouldn't mean a lot of extra time, since I will be getting 90 research papers in soon. I won't have much time to do anything besides live and grade, particularly since Jason has a play opening in two weeks and since I have a limited amount of time due to committee due dates. I am working on keeping a positive attitude and trying to find a way I can grade all those papers without giving up the rest of my life. I know it's possible.

My plan:

• Remember to keep a positive attitude and remember that this time is short lived.
• Allow for flexibility. If a paper doesn't get graded in time for committee, so be it. We'll all survive.
• Ask to be subbed out a couple days to grade.
• Use my special ed teachers to plan and teach so that I can grade.
• Use a B6 prep here and there to grade.
• Start deligating more, esp. with department head work.
• Hire a cleaning lady.
• Working out and meditating to help with stress.
• Saying goodbye to sewing and scrapbooking for a while (gotta finish that skirt first!).
• Keep the papers down to 1/2 hour a pop versus the 1 hour allotment I've used in the past.
• Ask my co-teachers to take the lower end special ed students' papers.
• Make sure I give students enough time to write, edit, peer edit, and edit again so that their papers are as good as they can make them.
• Refuse to grade sloppy, unedited papers.
• Ask my friend to babysit once in a while at night so I can grade.

Okay. This isn't therapy. I need to print this list and post if on my mirror and in my car and in my purse and on my computer at school.