Ten Things I Learned About Parenting from Doggie Obedience School

Our puppy Shadow is a proud graduate of puppy kindergarten. (And for the record, if you are in the Carson City area and need a good trainer, I highly recommend Joanna from Fur and Feather Works.) After every Saturday class, one thought that kept coming to mind: I should really work harder at applying dog-training concepts to parenting. Here are some things I learned:

1. Never repeat your command to your kid dog . If you repeat your command, you tell your kid dog that he doesn't have to listen the first time around. 
2. Yelling and violence are not necessary. Now, for the record, I don't use violence with my kids or dog, but I will be the first to admit that sometimes I get really frustrated and yell. What Joanna taught me is that dogs don't choose the alpha dog based on strength or willpower, but rather from a sense of dignity and respect for one's elders. Respect is earned, not forced.
3. If you scream in anger for your kid dog to come, you're out of your mind. Why would my kid dog come to me when I am screaming in anger?
4. Conversely, make the come command fun. If I want my kid dog to come to me, I need to say come here in such an enthusiastic way that the kid dog can expect nothing less than pure joy when he gets to me. Of course, this is training. Eventually, you can request his presence with a stronger tone, but for training purposes, be happy.
5. Patience is key. You don't teach a kid dog to rollover in a day.
6. Nothing is permanent. My kid dog may be going through a wake-constantly-in-the-middle-of-the-night stage or a chew-everything-in-sight stage, but it's all a stage. Again, patience is key.
7. Socialization at a young age is important. If my kid dog doesn't get kid dog time early on, he will have lots of difficulty learning how to play nicely.
8. When in doubt, throw treats at your kid dog. Okay, out of context, this sounds strange, but my dog has agoraphobia, and I am learning that giving him treats when we are out on a walk will help him associate things that might scare him with things that make him happy, happy, happy. 
9. Wear them out. My kid dog needs to chase a laser pointer light, go on walks, and chase balls. A tired kid dog is a happy kid dog.
10. Every kid dog needs intellectual stimulation. A tired brain is a happy brain. We play hide-and-go-puppy, as my son calls it. That wears both dog and boy out.



A happy dog.

This documentary looks intriguing. Can't wait to see it.

Fatigue

I should grade papers. I should do laundry. I should get things ready for the morning. I should put my toddler back into his bed for the umpteenth time.

But sometimes the evening fatigue weighs me down like an anchor.

Tonight I am moored.

And feeling very guilty.

Random Life Updates

Sorry for the funky formatting. For some reason, blogger isn't allowing me to separate my paragraphs today.

We threw a 40th birthday bash for my friend S. Happy 4-0!!! Yesterday was spent recurperating. I realized that once you reach a certain number of attendees at a party, you are no longer able to do much of anything but host. My mistake was serving mojitos. Next time we have a big party, the drinks will go like this: "The wine and beer are over there." Smaller parties allow for the mixed drinks.

Anyway, I think everyone had a good time. S got a lot of loving attention and some good loot. She does so much for us and our kids that I wanted to do something nice for her.

Meanwhile, my son has been very mommy-clingly lately. When I shower, he pounds on the shower door and cries, "Mommy! Mommy!" When I go to the bathroom, he sits outside the door and cries. If I'm doing the dishes, he's either attached to my leg or in my arms. I love that he's cuddly and adoring of me and know very well that will change before I know it. Nevertheless, I get tired and just want a moment of peace when I go to the bathroom.

He isn't sleeping well either. He's up for hours at a time in the middle of night. I've been pretty tired lately. He could be teething or experiencing growing pains. At least I'm not working right now and can give him the attention he needs.

J's Compleat Works of Shakeseare opens this weekend. They were only given three Sunday nights by the production company, which is about as bad as you can get, especially for a show that requires a certain amount of audience participation. Comedies are much better with crowds. So they're going to rerun the play for a different theater group this fall. At least it won't weeks of rehearsals again.

Hope everyone is happy and healthy.

Cabin Fever (Whine Warning)

So I've avoided blogging (aka whining) about the smoke in my area. People have lost homes; one firefighter has lost his life. It would be inappropriate to complain about the smoke when others are truly losing due to the fire.


But the smoke is becoming oppressive here, and I'm going to whine.

Last night ashes were sprinkling down on us. If this is what we're dealing with, I'd hate to see what it must be like on the other side of the Sierras.


I am getting some serious cabin fever. DD has asthma, so for weeks I have taken her outside very little. Little did I know that the smoke was only going to get worse. Fortunately, we made it to the beach yesterday for a couple hours before it got too bad. Today, however, started with a bright orange sun and a sky so smokey that I thought it was ready to rain.


It's summer, and I love the outdoors and even the heat to a certain extent. I want to take my kids to parks, out for walks, and to the beach. Instead we find ourselves entertaining one another inside. I get cabin fever. They get cabin fever. They are OD'd on mom, and I'm running low on creative things to do to entertain them.


I get a day off tomorrow. I'm scrapbooking with a friend at the scrapbooking store and then working the Obama booth at some outdoor thingy. Saturday, I'll be much happier to entertain my offspring again.


DH has been gone for rehearsals for The Compleat Work of Shakespeare, Abridged. I am thrilled about this show. My DH is a very funny man, and the Complete Works series can be pretty darn funny, too.

Anger and Irritation

I know I need to work with anger better. When I've been meditating regularly, I find I am much more in control of my anger with the outside world, but I still struggle with my frustration with my kids.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes in Being Peace: "When anger comes up, we are determined to not do or say anything, but to practice mindful breathing and mindful walking and acknowledge, embrace, and look deeply into our anger. We will learn to look with the eyes of compassion at those we think are the cause of our anger."

Sitting at my computer and typing that or reading it in the morning with a cup of coffee, I think, "Absolutely. That's not so hard."

Then my daughter wakes her brother and me up from our naps by screaming about the pincher bug in her room and then tries to trap her brother in her room to play camping while he screams non-stop and she tells me that she has to have him in her room because it's dark and they're camping and I can feel a temper tantrum coming (from her, not me) and I start to feel aggitated about needing to avoid a temper tantrum and I find myself overwhelmed with frustration.

Or we have this conversation: "Mom, what's a cabeedie."
"I don't know."
"What's a cabeedie?"
"I don't know."
"It's what Mailbox said on Blue's Clues. What is it? "
"I don't know."
"What IS it?"
"I don't know."
"MOM, WHAT IS IT?!?"

This conversation continues until I get irritated, to which she responds with the usual attitude, which irritates me more.

I don't hurt her. But I use a harsh tone with her. And I can often see how my tone escalates the situation. I use a harsh tone. Then she uses a harsh tone, which I respond to with an even harsher tone. Things continue until she's in time out and hysterical, and I'm no longer frustrated, but angry.

That first moment is a turning point. If I can only catch myself at that moment and be mindful instead of reactive. I mean, I am the grown up here, right?

I think I'll work on this the next couple of days: being mindful when I feel irritation coming on. It's harder than it sounds, but it's worth a shot.

The irony: A time out occured during the writing of this blog entry. DD was yelling at her brother for knocking over her "tent." **sigh** I think I need to go be present with my kids.

Metta.

Black Widow Mama

Today I was watering with the hose. When I went to turn off the water, I saw a large black widow right underneath the faucet. I knew a spider had been living there. Because the web hadn't looked like a black widow's, I hadn't thought much of it until I saw her. She was large and that kind of beautiful that only a black widow can be. My children, however, play right there and often want to turn the water on and off. I couldn't risk them being bitten. Having a brother who was bitten by a black widow only makes me more nervous around them. DH was called into duty.

As he was getting the bug spray, the black widow wrapped her long, slender front legs around the egg sack I hadn't seen and pulled it into hiding.

It occurred to me how much she and I had in common. Both of us wanted nothing more than to protect our offspring.

Her last act has replayed itself into my head over and over. I feel terrible that we killed her. Doing so was definitely not living in harmony with the world around us. And to her, I'm sure I was the black widow.

Low Impact

For the month of July, I have committed to another low-impact consumption month. I am a little uneasy about it, considering that during the summer is harder because I'm off of work and have more time to . . . desire things.

Here are my plans:

• Purchasing of nothing except necessary groceries.
• Making more clothe grocery bags out of fabric from my stash.
• Walking when possible.
• Talking to my daughter about our shopping habits and what it means to the larger community.
• Inviting others to join me.

Here are some exceptions:

• Starbucks is allowed if I bring my own cup and request that they not print a receipt.
• Necessary groceries is a pretty flexible term to include things like ice cream and coffee and coffee cream, which are not essentials, but are groceries.
• I am throwing a 40th birthday party for my best friend that includes a guest list of more than 70 people. I am going to be using disposable dishes for this event.
• I will need to buy a few birthday presents.

The undecideds:

• The last time I did this, allowed myself to buy digital items: songs, digital scrapbooking graphics, etc. I'm not so sure about that this time. Part of why I am doing this is to practice letting go of the process of acquisition. Shopping for digital items is shopping.
• Last time I allowed myself to go to non-take out restaurants. The problem is that I usually end of bringing home food in a large styrofoam container or just leaving food to be tossed. Both are wasteful. Another option is to commit to ordering only what I know I want to eat.

Objectives:

• To establish a pattern of more responsible consumptive patterns.
• To practice letting go of the process of acquisition.
• To give myself more time for the things I love: my family and friends, my hobbies, my Buddhist practice, the Dharma.

Care to join me?

One a different note: I was reminded of the importance of mindfulness when I realized I had over-dosed my son with Tylenol by giving him the dose for Children's Tylenol but with the Infant's Concentrate. Luckily, I realized it before I had given him another dose. The problem with Tylenol, as I learned from Poison Control, is that it's not just the one dose that is the problem; you have to look at how much they've had over a 24 hour period. Two doses would have meant a trip to the ER. More than that may have meant liver failure, even possibly death. This is what happens when your mind isn't clear, and you're being reactive to the stressful environment, rather than in control of yourself.

Spiritual Laziness, Part II

Now that I am officially done with work for the summer, I have found that my pace is much slower than before. I am spending more time with my children, just being with them as well as "doing" things with them, like going to parks, tea parties, reading, etc. I am enjoying the quiet time with them in the back yard as they play, throwing balls with my son, dress dolls with my daughter.

I am also meditating more. And being present a lot more. Without the constant concern of the items on a to-do list, I can be more present, more mindful, and more spiritual.

The key is going to be to find a way to slow down during the school year so that I can still be the spiritual person I want to be.

I think an important point is to define spiritual, at least in how I see it. To me, being spiritual isn't about mysticism. It's about the tiniest movement I make as I live my life. This moment as I type is an opportunity for spirituality. As I drink my latte, I have the opportunity to be spiritual. Choosing the be fully present with my children is a spiritual choice. Meditating is important, but spirituality is there as a way of life twenty four hours a day.

When I first started studying Buddhism (one short year ago), my first book was Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das. He talked a lot about his time in Tibet and about Tibetan monks. For example, in discussing the preservation of life, he explained that during the rainy season some monks will sweep the ground in front of them as they walk to prevent any beings from being stepped on and that some don't venture outside for that very same reason. Reading this, I thought It's easy to live the Dharma when you're a monk living in a cave. Harder when you're a working mother of two. (Listen, I know it sounds petty, but I'm trying to be honest here.) But after some time it occurred to me that there was another way of looking that this. I could think that being a working mother of two children makes it difficult to be spiritual. I could also look at it a different way: that being a working mother of two small children makes it that much more important that I be spiritual.

I practice for me, for sure. But I also practice for my children, my husband, my students, my friends, my family. Being a more spiritual person hopefully makes me better at all the roles I play in life.

Well, I think my thinking has meandered enough. Off to clean the house while I have the place to myself.

Peace, love and happiness to you all.

I don't HEART Albuterol

Take an overactive 5 year-old who resists sleep. Make her sick and therefore a little . . . (how to say this with wise speech?) temperamental. Then give her a drug that makes her more hyper (and even more resistant to sleep) as well as agitated. Add to it a sick toddler and a sick mommy. What do you get? Exhaustion.

Clinging to My Children's Health

I wrote recently about the daily contemplations and my need to accept that my children will get ill. Today, my DS came down with a fever right before bedtime. I put him down to bed and am wringing my hands.

After the death of a young girl in our town from the flu, I am very nervous about my son's fever.
It's simple: I get ridiculously nervous at times like these.

What if his fever spikes in the middle of the night, and I don't know it? What if he has the flu? What if he starts having breathing problems in the middle of the night and I am unaware? What if . . . ? The end of that sentence goes all the way to the unimaginable for a parent.

I wish I could let go.

Temper Tantrums . . .

. . . suck the life out of the day. 'Nuff said.

Babies = Sleep Deprivation

I learned this lesson in the most brutal of all ways with my first child. She was, and still is, a horrible sleeper. I remember being so sleep deprived one day that, while taking her for a ride mid-afternoon to get her to nap, I stopped at a stop sign and was paralyzed by . . . . well, stupidity. I could not remember what to do or how to do it. I was completely brain dead, not only unaware of where I was going but of what I was supposed to do with my car. People stared as I sat there clutching the steering wheel. I finally pulled it together and decided it wasn't safe for me to drive, so I headed home to walk the floors with a baby while I yearned for sleep. Fast forward four years. I now have a new baby, a son. He's a much better sleeper, so life is a little easier. (No panicked moments at the stop sign.) Still, he has bad nights. Two of them recently. And I'm tired and wondering how women who don't have helpful, involved husbands do it day in and day out. I know I'm blessed to have two happy and beautiful children. Thank goodness for lack of sleep, huh?