A Few Deep Breaths

I read an email today from someone who had judged senior projects in which she lamented the quality of grammar in students' portfolios and asked if we are really graduating students who "who cannot reliably write grammatical sentences." 

Now, first of all, I feel compelled to say that I am open to hearing what people have to say about what they see in our seniors' work, and at that same time, I expect that it be balanced and not solely criticism. We know we have areas to work on; we also know there are a lot of strengths to what our students produce. I say that because I don't want people to feel they can't dialogue openly with me.

But with that having been said, I am going to drop her comment, even though I have a lot I could say. But as my day is winding down, I am not pleased the I am focusing my energies on such a short - albeit negative - moment of an otherwise wonderful day. So for that reason, I am going to end my day with a list of ten things that made me happy today:

1. I was able to give blood today. This made me happy because my iron is often one silly little point below the cutoff. It also made me happy because, as a baby blood donor, I get treated like a very special person when I walk through the doors of United Blood Services. Case in point: today I was told today I was "a very special person." Who wouldn't love that?
2. While donating blood, I had fifteen lovely minutes of quiet time to myself.
3. At The Salvation Army store, I found three - count them THREE, pair of pants for my son. As a boy who loves to play with trains, he wears out the knees of all his pants, so much so that patching doesn't do any good. So I am always looking for pants that will fit him for a reasonable price.
4. My students made me laugh today - a lot.
5. My students wrote very sweet things in their letters to next year's seniors.
6. After they took a shower, I got to sit with my kids for over a half an hour reading an Ivy and Bean book. This especially pleased me because Ivy and Bean are chapter books for girls, but my son was still happy to sit quietly in my lap and listen to the story about two girls getting themselves trapped in a crawl space.
7. The Senior Project Committee chose the recipients of our senior project awards. Some very deserving -- and probably unsuspecting students -- will be receiving these awards next week.
8. We had a nice family dinner tonight. It's simple. We do it every night with a few exceptions, but I feel lucky to have my two kids and my husband at my dinner table with me every night.
9. My kids cleared the table, took out the recycling, and cleaned up the living room. 'Nuff said.
10. In a few moments, I will be reading another chapter from Tina Fey's book Bossypants. This book isn't for everyone. You have to like her sense of humor. If you do, this book will make you laugh out loud - literally.

So, yeah. I guess I have become a little bit of a Pollyanna lately, as someone mentioned the other day. But as I am learning to let things go, I am increasing my capacity for happiness and making life better for those around me.

Cheers to the little things like a blood donation appointment and a chapter book!

Dentist, Part Deux

So turns out that $2200 implant I paid for does not include the $1200 crown. Yup. I paid $2200 for a pieceof titanium to sit in my bone, but have to pay another thousand to actually make use of that tiny piece of titanium. I'm sure the info is on the dental plan they showed me - I do not believe the front office staff tricked me - but I do believe it could have been clearer. And here's the kicker - I had two implants done - the second of which will cost $2000 to crown.

So my quick trip to the dentist for a follow-up on an infection I am fighting turned into a very stressful event when the dentist suggested we go ahead and make the mold for the crown. One thing I have to say about the dentist is that my visits are often excellent sources of inspiration at the gym. I get to work off my frustrations there, which helps me in more ways than one.

I know this all provides ample fruit for my practice, but I gotta say that I'm just not feeling it. I am frustrated, nervous, and anything but mindful. This is why I know I need to give it all some space. I left the office today without making any decisions. Hopefully, I will be prepared to deal with this mindfully in a day or two. In the meantime, I'm gonna be making lots of trips to Starbucks to partake in my drug of choice.

On a happier note, I realized today how lucky I am to have a job I love. The bell rang for first period, and a sense of relief washed over me. At that moment, I realized that I look forward to being in the classroom with my students. Outside of cuddling with my kids or watching them play happily together, I am happiest when I am teaching.

For What It's Worth

All my jabbering about peace and happiness . . . . When I say, "I still have work to do," I mean it. Tonight I lost my temper with my son. On Christmas Eve. I didn't hurt him -- don't get me wrong -- but I did lose my temper. He wasn't behaving well, but let's face it: I'm the mom. I certainly do have a long way to go.

Learning Exp

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?"
I have learned a lot about happiness this year, about moving on and letting go, about handling anger, about coaching the mind to be happy even when all you're doing is sitting on a cushion.

One concept stands out, however. I discovered the concept of neural plasticity. It's a scientific concept that has far reaching implications in everyday lives. I have blogged about it before, but it's the idea that although the physical structure and makeup of the brain affect our thoughts, as it turns out, our thoughts can affect the physical structure and makeup of the brain.

Now, you might be thinking that this is a concept, not a real lesson, but it was the Rick Hanson retreat where I learned the applicable lesson. Hanson had us meditate on something that made us happy and to focus on that happiness. The effect was euphoria. Really. True euphoria. It didn't last long for me, but at that moment, it was like a new world cracked open to me and new possibilities were born.

At that moment, it became very clear to me just how powerful the idea of neural plasticity can be.

If there was one thing I would shout from the tops of buildings, it would be, "People! You do not have to be a victim to your biological makeup . . . well, neurologically speaking, anyway." Ok. Maybe the tops of buildings isn't the most effective form of relaying this message, but I want every American to be exposed to this concept. We are a culture of anitdepressants. I have no qualms with people taking antidepressants. This is more about a cultural pattern than an individual struggling with depression. But we need to know that there are things we can do to affect the way our brains function. Powerfully affect the way our brains function. And if we keep at it, momentum comes into play, and that positive force forms more positive energy.

Although I have experienced some very stressful situations this year, I have been happier than I have ever been for many reasons, but largely because I opened myself up to the possibility of true happiness and the idea of myself being that true source of happiness.

It rocked my world.

I feel one other lesson must be addressed. Last spring, when *things* were happening at work and I was experiencing a great deal of anger, I listened to one of Gil Fronsdal's podcasts on anger. Fronsdale works at both the San Francisco Zen Center and Spirit Rock Meditation Center.  I don't remember if it was from Audio Dharma or Zencast, but I do remember him saying that paradoxically, the best time to work with anger is when you're not angry. So that is what I did. Once the situation dissipated, I spent three months working with anger - paying attention to it, looking into its causes, and practicing with skillful methods of dealing with it. I still have work to do, but I grew a lot during that three months.

So thank you to Rick Hanson, Gil Fronsdal, and the Buddha for these lessons, which will undoubtedly resonate in 2010.

Best of 2009: Startup, Moment of Peace, and Challenge

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "What's a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?"

Can't say I can think of anything. Not one. I have stores I love. My favorite being County Purr Farm, my local scrapbooking store, where I have spent hours with my closest girl friends creating and talking. I also love The Purple Avacado, although I can count on one hand how many times I crossed the purple threshold in 2009. I will always enjoy spending time at my local JoAnne's and the local Mill End even if the past two years have seen a drastic decrease in my time at the sewing machine. There's something about walking down aisles of fabric, creating in my head all sorts of projects - a skirt from purple jersey for me, blue and white PJs for my son, a lady bug dress for my daughter. I get to sew even if the products never materialize. As weird as it may seem, I love my neighborhood Walgreen's - I print my beloved photos there, and you can get great college-ruled, purse-sized notebooks for a dollar! I still love New York and Company for clothes that actually fit me and Gap Body for the most comfie undies known to womankind.

None of these count, however, because they are not new to me. So I'm tapping out of this one.

For my catch-up entry, Ms. Bell asks about a moment of peace. This year is a good one for me. I would say I reached a deeper state of concentration than I have before and that I have reached levels of peace more profoundly than I have before, but it seems that writing about them is impossible without making it sound trite and cliche. Let me just say that my three-month focus on practice, my retreats, and Focused and Fearless really helped me progress in my practice.

My best challenge is easy, but what I just wrote had to be deleted because it would not be professional of me to post about it in a public setting. I'll sum it up to say budget cuts suck, and sometimes being the person representing others can be incredibly stressful - knowing that if you blow it, you're blowing it for thirty people, not just yourself, adds to the stress immensely. It was a challenge in managing anger, in leading, in communicating, and in dealing with disagreement. We lost. But I grew a lot in the process.

Anger and Irritation

I know I need to work with anger better. When I've been meditating regularly, I find I am much more in control of my anger with the outside world, but I still struggle with my frustration with my kids.

Thich Nhat Hanh writes in Being Peace: "When anger comes up, we are determined to not do or say anything, but to practice mindful breathing and mindful walking and acknowledge, embrace, and look deeply into our anger. We will learn to look with the eyes of compassion at those we think are the cause of our anger."

Sitting at my computer and typing that or reading it in the morning with a cup of coffee, I think, "Absolutely. That's not so hard."

Then my daughter wakes her brother and me up from our naps by screaming about the pincher bug in her room and then tries to trap her brother in her room to play camping while he screams non-stop and she tells me that she has to have him in her room because it's dark and they're camping and I can feel a temper tantrum coming (from her, not me) and I start to feel aggitated about needing to avoid a temper tantrum and I find myself overwhelmed with frustration.

Or we have this conversation: "Mom, what's a cabeedie."
"I don't know."
"What's a cabeedie?"
"I don't know."
"It's what Mailbox said on Blue's Clues. What is it? "
"I don't know."
"What IS it?"
"I don't know."
"MOM, WHAT IS IT?!?"

This conversation continues until I get irritated, to which she responds with the usual attitude, which irritates me more.

I don't hurt her. But I use a harsh tone with her. And I can often see how my tone escalates the situation. I use a harsh tone. Then she uses a harsh tone, which I respond to with an even harsher tone. Things continue until she's in time out and hysterical, and I'm no longer frustrated, but angry.

That first moment is a turning point. If I can only catch myself at that moment and be mindful instead of reactive. I mean, I am the grown up here, right?

I think I'll work on this the next couple of days: being mindful when I feel irritation coming on. It's harder than it sounds, but it's worth a shot.

The irony: A time out occured during the writing of this blog entry. DD was yelling at her brother for knocking over her "tent." **sigh** I think I need to go be present with my kids.

Metta.