My 2014 Word for the Year

For the last couple of years, I chose a word for the year. It's similar to a resolution, but instead of choosing a goal, the word becomes the focus. It has proven to work for me far better than a resolution because what I choose is tied into my values and related to where I am at that time in my life. In 2012, I chose simplify. For 2013, my word was family. This year, to make it stick, I decided to participate in Ali Edwards class, One Little Word. I am loving the structure her class offers so far in terms of providing a method for reflection and intention-setting.

This year, my word didn't come to me as clearly as it had in the past. I searched, chose, revised, pondered, revised, and finally settled on heart.

I lost my footing a lot this year. I lost my connection to my Buddhist practice, and my brother passed away. Watching him die was a humbling experience. It both broke my heart and inspired me to live life differently, more intentionally.

Heart spoke to me for a number of reasons. Mostly, I liked it because it encompassed many of the other words that were floating in my head.

One of the words I first considered was bold. Bold spoke to me because I learned about how boldy my brother lived his life: he worked, rode horses, painted, flew as a flight instructor, hunted, competed in trap shooting competitions, and coached others trap shooting. These are only a few of the things he delved into with a passion. His bold passion for life inspires me. I learned that whenever he fired someone, he wore a red shirt with a black tie. This might seem cold, but I loved learning that about him. It spoke to his boldness and his sense of humor


Bold also spoke to me because I decided this year that I have to have faith in my viewpoint. Working in a new position very different from classroom teaching, I found myself a number of times having an opinion I didn't assert because I didn't trust my own instincts and knowledge. I thought that others knew better. More than once I learned that my instincts were right and that I let myself and my colleagues down by not having the courage - not being bold enough - to assert myself.

However, bold was not the only word I considered: I also considered health. After my brother passed away, I came across a research study that showed that adults who have a sibling die are much more likely to experience a heart attack within the next five years. I committed to improving my health. I. Will. Not. Be. A. Statistic.

Authentic was another word that grabbed my attention. I want to be me, to not fear presenting myself authentically to the world. Authenticity is something I really value, but I often found myself pretending to be something I am not in this current position at work (again because I didn't trust my own judgement). One day, after what I thought was a successful fake-out, a friend spoke to me bluntly: "That was so fake, Cheryl. I could totally tell you didn't buy what you were selling, and neither do I." This shook me a little. I didn't how to respond.  To deny that my "sell" was fake would be to layer on the lies. Two books helped inspire this: Lean In by Sheryl Sandburg about how women don't take enough risks in the workplace and Quiet by Susan Cain about how introverts are better off accepting who they are and not trying to fit into the ideals of our extroverted culture.

Finally, home presented itself. While this last year, I focused on family, I still continue to neglect my home. It's messy and needs some TLC. Plus, it's not a place I often love, and I want to change this.

As I pondered all these words, a friend suggested heart as a word to cover all of my goals. Sometimes I worry that heart is too scattered, but so far, I like how it's playing out. I am already learning to see the word as being about love - love for me, and it fits in with my other intention to reconnect with my passion for the Dharma and my practice, to return my heart practice.

With family being my word of choice last year, I consciously chose to not blog; this year, however, I intend to blog more regularly as a way to stay connected to my heart and to share my progress with those who live within my heart.

To all of you, I wish you happy, healthy, and heart-felt 2014. Cheers!

As I Age . . .

I am rounding out my 40th year. I know for many, this age is disconcerting, but it hasn't been for me. In fact, I have very much enjoyed this year. I guess I see myself kind of like a bottle of really good Cabernet. I improve with age. However, the aging process has caused some reflection on my part.*

As this year comes to a close and the big four-one draws nearer, I have been thinking about how I have changed as I have gotten older.

• I care less about how I look and especially how much I weigh. That might not always be a good thing.
• I care more about what I do with my mind. I don't mean intellectually. I am more mindful not only about my actions but about my thoughts as well.
• I love my hometown more and more every year. I used to mumble if people asked me if I was a Native Nevadan, but not anymore. I feel more tied to my school as well.
• I am happier. For a variety of reasons. One is that I have creative outlets that in my twenties I didn't have (it's amazing what some patterned paper and some ink can do for a girl). Another is that I have more love in my life. I have children and a husband whom I adore and some good, solid friendships.
• Because I am more financially secure, I feel more . . . well . . . secure. I don't have to stress over every Hero Arts stamp I buy or order only appetizers and water when I go out with friends. Money does buy a certain freedom from stress.
• I become increasingly curious about my heritage. I haven't started digging through the books of the Mormon church yet (yes, my maternal grandmother was raised Mormon), but I am asking more questions about my family and wanting to write down the stories I do remember, such as my great uncle having to tie his horse every morning at school or my Grandma Laird's memory of walking home and seeing a fire in the distance, only to discover that it was her own house on fire and that her mother was dead.
• My requirements for a car have changed drastically. I now want **gasp** a minivan. Yes, a soul-killing, mojo-depleting minivan. But it will mean I can fit my kids and their friends in it. I can't even fit three booster seats in the back of my car. And I would do anything for a GPS device (though that's not a sign of me changing - I have always been directionally impaired. I still get lost right here in the town I grew up in. Just this Saturday I got lost taking my son to a birthday party).
• I care less about what people think of me, though I am not going to lie - there are still days I am that sixteen-year-old girl feeling the need to please others. Still, the desire to please diminishes every year, and oddly, the more that happens, the kinder I become. And I do things others think I shouldn't, like talk about the "shit fields" with my students or let them use their phones to send me messages via Poll Everywhere's web site during class. If it works educationally, I am doing it.

This makes me wonder, how have you changed as you've aged?

Me in 2004 with the hubby and the first-born.

Me in 2011 with the teachers from Oklahoma and Hawaii.

*What am I saying? EVERYTHING causes reflection on my part. I live my life in reflection mode. But that's a beside the point.

Moving along on the blog prompts

Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

This is the current prompt from the Reverb 2010 blog prompts that I am working on, more than a month late, I might add. This one has me stumped. I guess my answer is mostly I dunno. I guess I don't know what I do that makes people light up except that I smile at people a lot. Paradoxically, I both love people and am extremely shy. This often causes discord for me, but I think the real important quality I have that makes me different is that I love teenagers. I am frequently asked why I would want to work with teenagers. You know, the whole kids-these-days song and dance. But on top of finding teens quite respectful and kind, I have learned that I love this age because it is the age in which teens start deciding whom they are separate from their parents, their siblings, and (gasp!) their friends. I think it's exciting to be a part of a student's exploration of what it means to be her. And this plays out intellectually in the classroom when students believe one thing, but their research leads them elsewhere. How exciting to watch a student explore an issue like stem cell research and do a complete 180 on the topic.

I don't think this love of adolescence makes people shine, but it does make the work I do more meaningful. I love my students and love being around them, and generally, I think they sense that.

Well, this topic warrants more contemplation, so I am going to move on: Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

My friends Bob and Mandy hosted a 40th birthday party for me and my work buddies. It was a lot of fun. The best food there - various delicious cheeses my friends Terri and Adam brought. The best conversation - Scott telling us about his son's new girlfriend. In text that isn't funny, but it was hilarious in person. The best music - Bob bought Motley Crue's album Shout at the Devil. Hee hee. It took me back to the days of ratted hair and Ratt.

Next question:

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)

Definitely deciding to pursue my master's. As hard as it has been to juggle teaching literature, grading papers, being a mom, working out, maintaining a social life, and meditating all while doing my master's, I have discovered that I really love the issues and topics that go along with education administration. Case in point: I was writing a paper, and my friend Ben agreed to meet me for coffee at 10 a.m. to help me work out an issue. At one point, I thought, "I'm getting hungry. It must be about noon. I should suggest we get something to eat." I looked at my watch - it was 2 p.m.! We had talked about this issue almost entirely for four hours, and I hadn't realized so much time had passed. I am sure both our spouses were a little skeptical as to what we were actually doing, but unless you count discussing the priorities of a successful co-teaching program having an affair, then you can rest assure that everything was on the up-and-up.


Well, it is time to meditate and call it a night. It's cold here. Here's to wishing you have plenty of warm drinks to warm your tummy and friendship to warm your heart.

Dentist, Part Deux

So turns out that $2200 implant I paid for does not include the $1200 crown. Yup. I paid $2200 for a pieceof titanium to sit in my bone, but have to pay another thousand to actually make use of that tiny piece of titanium. I'm sure the info is on the dental plan they showed me - I do not believe the front office staff tricked me - but I do believe it could have been clearer. And here's the kicker - I had two implants done - the second of which will cost $2000 to crown.

So my quick trip to the dentist for a follow-up on an infection I am fighting turned into a very stressful event when the dentist suggested we go ahead and make the mold for the crown. One thing I have to say about the dentist is that my visits are often excellent sources of inspiration at the gym. I get to work off my frustrations there, which helps me in more ways than one.

I know this all provides ample fruit for my practice, but I gotta say that I'm just not feeling it. I am frustrated, nervous, and anything but mindful. This is why I know I need to give it all some space. I left the office today without making any decisions. Hopefully, I will be prepared to deal with this mindfully in a day or two. In the meantime, I'm gonna be making lots of trips to Starbucks to partake in my drug of choice.

On a happier note, I realized today how lucky I am to have a job I love. The bell rang for first period, and a sense of relief washed over me. At that moment, I realized that I look forward to being in the classroom with my students. Outside of cuddling with my kids or watching them play happily together, I am happiest when I am teaching.

So Glad I Have My Job

I laughed more today than I usually laugh at a stand-up comedy routine. I love my job.

Two best lines from today:
Me: Who are these people? (Pointing to a picture.)
Student: They're PILGRIMS, Mrs. Macy. That's why you're an English teacher.

Student to another student: Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's violates all public speaking codes of conduct to HIT an audience member.

Anyway, I promised myself that I would share my ideas about reducing, reusing, and recycling this month, and I'm feeling like a nag. Since I've already hit 92% on my resolutions, according to my chart on the Happiness Toolbox, I'm not going to push it as much.

Meanwhile, I am thinking loving thoughts for all those people out there suffering from depression. I encountered one today, and I will spend my weekend worrying about this person.