Don't forget to shop for your favorite child at Once Upon a Child. As one friend said, you don't have to deal with all the twisty things that come with new toys! Plus, the one in Reno is especially cool because an especially cool person owns it. :)

Best Laugh

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "Laugh. What was your biggest belly laugh of the year?"

I spend my day around high school students. Sometimes they drag me into the gutter. Sometimes I drag them into the gutter.

I was explaining the word "perfunctory" and how you do something perfunctorily when you do it everyday.

So this kid raises his hand and says, "So you know that thing I do in the shower every morning? I do that perfunctorily?"

I nodded and thought I would be able to keep my cool and move on, but it took about three seconds before I was laughing so hard tears rolled down my face. I tried to hide behind the podium and get myself together, but I was laughing too hard.

The class got quiet. Then a couple people started to snicker. Then more started to snicker. Then the boy who asked the question started to guffaw.

We laughed for quite some time.

Then someone said, "Mrs. Macy, we would NOT have gone there if you hadn't gone there."

It was clear this kid meant shampoo his hair, but we had a good gutter laugh about it for weeks.

I love my job.

Join Me: Low Impact Month of January

Americans are consumers. Just look at the rhetoric that surrounds the current economic crisis. We have the opportunity to reevalute as a society what our values are and to restructure our economic system so that it is more responsible (environmentally and socially) as well as more sustainable (because let's face it, an ever-increasing cycle of production-and-consumption has to crash at some point). But instead, we're concerned with how much people are spending.

However, we can each make a difference individually by our consumption habits, which is why I am inviting anyone and everyone to join me in a month of responsible consumption for January 2010. This doesn't have to be huge: it's as much about making yourself more aware of your spending as it is about anything concrete. So join me. I'd love the company.

I'm hoping to go big here - or maybe more aptly labeled "go really small" - but that isn't necessary for you. You can make a difference in your consumption patterns and your awareness just by working on one element of you consumption for a month.

You could commit to any or all of the following:

• Not buying anything besides basic groceries



• Bringing your own bag to the grocery store



• Bringing your own reusable cup to your favorite coffee shop



• Recycling more - not just cans and bottles - recycle those items you don't use anymore by taking them to FISH (or other local charities) or joining Freecycle.



• Along those same lines, recycle electronic goods. Computers can go to Computer Corps.



• Carpooling/biking/walking as much as possible



• Buying only shade-grown, fair-trade coffee beans



• Turning off lights when not in a room



• Turning off your computer when it's not in use



• Unplugging electrical items and/or cords when not actually using them



• Buy only used items



• Choose products that are more responsible - less packaging, American made (less energy in shipping with strong labor laws) - or made by conscientious companies as suggested by Responsible Companies.Com



• Not buying fast food



• Using cloth napkins



• Put a stop to your junk mail



• Buy only from eco-friendly co-ops like this one



• Volunteer in a community clean-up activity



• Volunteer for a local organization that promotes environmentally or socially responsible behavior, such as Muscle Powered; a local charity, such as Advocates to End Domestic Violence; or a national organization, such as Grassroots Recycling Network. (I'll talk more about this later, but much of our consumption habits come from shopping being a hobby. Finding other, more meaningful activites to engage us promotes more responsible consumption.)
  


• Buy organic whenever possible



• Eating vegetarian a couple times a week



• Buy from local artisans, especially for gifts



• Get others involved. Kids love projects, so consider getting a child to commit to one of the above with you and make it a fun family project.

Got any other ideas? Let me know about them.

Best Stationery of 2009

I think for this prompt from Gwen Bell, I am choosing something I made. I love to make my own cards and send them to people. I think my favorite was this owl card, which I made from found objects - a leaf, a twig and some cardboard.

I also enjoyed making this card for my cousin's wedding.

Sending notes in cards I made makes it feel more personal. The owl card, for example, was for my friend Kathy's birthday. She is very environmentally aware, so I thought it was appropriate. The wedding card was for a person who is very feminine, and the colors were similar to the colors of her wedding invitation.

P.S. Thank you to Gwen Bell for spelling stationery correctly. Stationery/Stationary are vocab words on my students' usage list. Many don't even know what stationery is. They've never heard of nice paper you write letters on. They're certainly the digital generation.

Social Web Moment . . . ?

Gwen Bell asks what the best social web moment of 2009 was.

As a teacher, I don't have any time at work to spend time on the Internet, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to because of our filters. (Fortunately, we're supposed to be getting filters that will allow our high school to have its own settings: high school students don't need the same filters as first graders do. My students can often not get to information about the war in Iraq because it gets filtered out as graphic. Nevertheless, I won't be able to engage in social networking sites from work, which is a good thing because that's just the kind of thing that can eat up my entire day.)

At home, I get some time on the Internet, but with two kids, I don't have a lot. I already spend too much time doing the few things I do, so I try to avoid getting wrapped up in a lot of social interacting online. I do use Facebook and was part of a Flikr 365 group until I bailed in April. But it wasn't like I made great friends from that group. I joined a couple scrapbooking groups, but didn't spend enough time online to develop relationships, and on one, I couldn't stand the immediate flame-warring I saw.

So since I do not have a best for this category, I thought I would post some of my favorite pictures from this holiday season.

This documentary looks intriguing. Can't wait to see it.

Best Gift of 2009

Gwen Bell asks the following question for today's prompt: What's a gift you gave yourself this year that has kept on giving?

I could be repetitive here and say it was the happiness and peace of mind that my focus on practice brought about, but I don't like repetition nor do I see the point of repetition in blogland.

This question can be taken figuratively or literally, of course. Maybe the best gift was letting go or maybe it was a new coffee pot.

I am going to take this prompt more literally and talk about two things I spent money on that were for me. The first, which rings in at less than five dollars, is this coffee cup. It sounds silly, I know, but there's something about drinking coffee out of a mug that is both pretty and that also happens to fit nicely into your freakishly small hands. It's a gift that I appreciate every morning when I take that first sip of steaming hot coffee.

The second was a retreat, but not a meditation retreat. On my weekend birthday, three of my four best girlfriends and I attended a scrapbooking retreat at Saint Mary's retreat center in Virginia City. This was a special gift for me for a number of reasons: I got to spend quiet time with my close friends, I met some cool people, I got a lot of scrapbooking done, and I discovered the very cool place that is Saint Mary's. I scampered back to Dharma Zephyr to tell them about this place, since we just recently lost our gorgeous retreat center. They were already onto the site, which means we're going to have at least a couple retreats there in 2010. It's such a cool, old place, complete with ghost stories and creaking hallways, and it's surrounded by rolling fields of brush, which makes it incredibly quiet and relaxing.

My goal for 2010 is to do a residential retreat, but if none work out for me, I just may rent a room at Saint Mary's for a weekend and do my own, personal meditation retreat.

And One More Disclaimer (aka Getting Real)

All of my reflections on the best of 2009 makes me feel a little fake, like The Cosby Show, where no one has any problems that can't be solved in a half-hour with commercials and a good, ole down-to-earth chit chat with dad that always ends with a sweet, funny one-liner.

Despite all my chatter about peace and happiness, I still have a terrible problem with taking things personally. Like when my friends give away the spices I made them for Christmas or when my husband rolls his eyes in delight at my friend's Christmas candy, but won't even bother to break open the spices I ground and mixed and bottled. Like when my friend shows up a half hour late to use my shower at o-dark thirty in the morning without acknowledging the tardiness of the arrival or the fact that I got up at 5:30 on a Saturday to sit and wait for her to show up. Like when my brother and his wife don't show or call or mention the invitation to my child's birthday party. Like when my friend tells my daughter that "it's okay if she doesn't believe in God, but she should respect other people's beliefs," as if my daughter is some kind of freak who needs to respect but not be respected. Like . . . well, I need to quit this because my blood pressure is rising, and it's just not healthy, and I'm starting to see my life as more of a Roseanne episode than a Cosby episode.

Yup. Maybe for 2010, the goal ought to be to learn to not take things personally, cuz I got issues with that. I mean, I'm hauling this crap around like I'm Santa and it's my bag-o-goodies, only the goodies are for me and they aren't so good after all.

For What It's Worth

All my jabbering about peace and happiness . . . . When I say, "I still have work to do," I mean it. Tonight I lost my temper with my son. On Christmas Eve. I didn't hurt him -- don't get me wrong -- but I did lose my temper. He wasn't behaving well, but let's face it: I'm the mom. I certainly do have a long way to go.

Learning Exp

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "December 24 Learning experience. What was a lesson you learned this year that changed you?"
I have learned a lot about happiness this year, about moving on and letting go, about handling anger, about coaching the mind to be happy even when all you're doing is sitting on a cushion.

One concept stands out, however. I discovered the concept of neural plasticity. It's a scientific concept that has far reaching implications in everyday lives. I have blogged about it before, but it's the idea that although the physical structure and makeup of the brain affect our thoughts, as it turns out, our thoughts can affect the physical structure and makeup of the brain.

Now, you might be thinking that this is a concept, not a real lesson, but it was the Rick Hanson retreat where I learned the applicable lesson. Hanson had us meditate on something that made us happy and to focus on that happiness. The effect was euphoria. Really. True euphoria. It didn't last long for me, but at that moment, it was like a new world cracked open to me and new possibilities were born.

At that moment, it became very clear to me just how powerful the idea of neural plasticity can be.

If there was one thing I would shout from the tops of buildings, it would be, "People! You do not have to be a victim to your biological makeup . . . well, neurologically speaking, anyway." Ok. Maybe the tops of buildings isn't the most effective form of relaying this message, but I want every American to be exposed to this concept. We are a culture of anitdepressants. I have no qualms with people taking antidepressants. This is more about a cultural pattern than an individual struggling with depression. But we need to know that there are things we can do to affect the way our brains function. Powerfully affect the way our brains function. And if we keep at it, momentum comes into play, and that positive force forms more positive energy.

Although I have experienced some very stressful situations this year, I have been happier than I have ever been for many reasons, but largely because I opened myself up to the possibility of true happiness and the idea of myself being that true source of happiness.

It rocked my world.

I feel one other lesson must be addressed. Last spring, when *things* were happening at work and I was experiencing a great deal of anger, I listened to one of Gil Fronsdal's podcasts on anger. Fronsdale works at both the San Francisco Zen Center and Spirit Rock Meditation Center.  I don't remember if it was from Audio Dharma or Zencast, but I do remember him saying that paradoxically, the best time to work with anger is when you're not angry. So that is what I did. Once the situation dissipated, I spent three months working with anger - paying attention to it, looking into its causes, and practicing with skillful methods of dealing with it. I still have work to do, but I grew a lot during that three months.

So thank you to Rick Hanson, Gil Fronsdal, and the Buddha for these lessons, which will undoubtedly resonate in 2010.

Best of 2009: Web Tool (huh?) and New Food

Gwen Bell asks what my favorite Web tool from 2009 is: "It came into your work flow this year and now you couldn't live without it. It has simplified or improved your online experience."

Ok.  This one shows my ignorance because I'm not even sure what she means by this.  (I'm laughing right now.) I'll excuse this ignorance by saying that because of the nature of teaching, I don't spend most of my time on the Internet.

But I did get a new computer, and although this doesn't really count as a web tool, I'm going to say that the new OS is pretty fun and will count as my new "web tool." I like how it handles open windows, and I like the gadgets I can put on my desktop.

I'm definitely going to have to check Gwen Bell's web page and see what other people write for this one.

For the catch-up entry, I will answer her question about favorite new food. Although Vietnamese food isn't new to me, Pho Country is new to Carson, and we love it.  I love the freshness and lightness of Vietnamese food complete with fresh basil and cilantro and tastey broths. And oh! The spring rolls. Plus, this restaurant is surprising affordable - $6 for a basic pho dish. Compared to the other pho restaurant, this one has lots of choices - three pages of options. I get something different every time, which is another reason I'm throwing Pho Country into the favorite new food category, even though it's a restaurant, not a food. Sunday, I got the stir-fried tofu. It's fried in a chili pepper sauce that is yummy - I only wish it were little spicier.

Best Album and Location

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "December 10 Album of the year. What's rocking your world?"


Well, I'm procrastinating a meditation here, so I think I'll spend some time catching up on the blog challenge. I like mellow, middle-aged lady music. *Sigh* Complete digression here, but one of my students who graduated last year called me and my friends "middle aged." Love ya, girl, but that as fun as running out of hot water when you still have to rinse the conditioner from your hair. But, my best album most certainly verifies her label: I love Priscilla Ahn's album A Good Day. Digression #2: The truth is that iTunes has kind of put a damper on my album loving because it's so easy to buy just a song or two. But with this album, iTunes helped out by recommending it, and I took a crazy (crazy-for-middle-aged-lady crazy) leap and purchased the whole damn album and loved it. The album is one of those I can listen to while I am online, sewing, walking, doing dishes, whatever. It rocks. It rocks softly, but it rocks.
To continue with catch-up, Gwen Bell asks what the best place of 2009 was. This isn't particular to this year. My bedroom has always been my favorite location, regardless of age or living situations. I love that I don't have to buy an overpriced ticket to the Bahamas to get away. My cozy bed and a closed door handles all that for me. As a kid, I would escape from the world by crossing into my bedroom, which held any universe, any world I felt apt for the moment. My bedroom could be a castle, Xanadu, a dance floor, or a pool complete with friendly dolphins. As I got older, my room usually transformed into a place of music - a concert hall, a recording studio. I had these killer headphones that I would turn on way too loud, which is probably why this middle-aged lady doesn't hear too well out of one ear. (All the better to ignore you with, my dear.)

If I HAD to pick a favorite place particular to this year, it would be Mill's Park because I spent countless hours there with my kids, often riding the little train, which is my favorite summer activity.

So there! Two past challenges down. Now, what else can I do to avoid the cushion?

Best of 2009: Startup, Moment of Peace, and Challenge

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "What's a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?"

Can't say I can think of anything. Not one. I have stores I love. My favorite being County Purr Farm, my local scrapbooking store, where I have spent hours with my closest girl friends creating and talking. I also love The Purple Avacado, although I can count on one hand how many times I crossed the purple threshold in 2009. I will always enjoy spending time at my local JoAnne's and the local Mill End even if the past two years have seen a drastic decrease in my time at the sewing machine. There's something about walking down aisles of fabric, creating in my head all sorts of projects - a skirt from purple jersey for me, blue and white PJs for my son, a lady bug dress for my daughter. I get to sew even if the products never materialize. As weird as it may seem, I love my neighborhood Walgreen's - I print my beloved photos there, and you can get great college-ruled, purse-sized notebooks for a dollar! I still love New York and Company for clothes that actually fit me and Gap Body for the most comfie undies known to womankind.

None of these count, however, because they are not new to me. So I'm tapping out of this one.

For my catch-up entry, Ms. Bell asks about a moment of peace. This year is a good one for me. I would say I reached a deeper state of concentration than I have before and that I have reached levels of peace more profoundly than I have before, but it seems that writing about them is impossible without making it sound trite and cliche. Let me just say that my three-month focus on practice, my retreats, and Focused and Fearless really helped me progress in my practice.

My best challenge is easy, but what I just wrote had to be deleted because it would not be professional of me to post about it in a public setting. I'll sum it up to say budget cuts suck, and sometimes being the person representing others can be incredibly stressful - knowing that if you blow it, you're blowing it for thirty people, not just yourself, adds to the stress immensely. It was a challenge in managing anger, in leading, in communicating, and in dealing with disagreement. We lost. But I grew a lot in the process.

Best Blog Find of 2009

I am catching up on the Best of 2009 blog prompts.

In some sort of voyeuristic way, I like to read blogs, but the truth is that it's too easy to spend countless hours reading about someone else's life rather than living my own. So in general, I avoid them.

Then I found this blog: Creative Therapy. It's a blog where they post a weekly challenge to create art about a personal topic. It's largely for scrapbookers, but there are all kinds of mixed media artists who participate.

The blog serves more than one purpose for me. To begin with, it feeds into that voyeuristic side of me, that part of me that likes to see what people are watching on TV when I drive past their homes, the part of me that likes to browse through random people's Flikr postings and imagine what each person must be like and what her life must be like, that part of me that likes to listen to conversations around me - in restaurants, in lines, in stores while they're on cell phones. On Creative Therapy, I can read about one woman's anger toward her mother-in-law and another's desire to learn to fly. I totally dig that kind of thing.

I also get to see great and different kinds of mixed media art, which intrigues me. I'm a scrapbooker, but I can appreciate the work I see on this web page. They highlight a different artist every week, too, which means I get to find new sources of inspiration for my crafts, which is always fun.

I also like the idea that scrapbooking doesn't always have to be about events (birthdays, holidays and recitals) and that they don't always have to be about the happy elements of life (how great my kids are, how cute they are, how I love my dogs). I scrapbook about my kids for my kids (and for me), but I have recently started a Book of Me so that my kids can one day know me as a person, not just as their mom. These challenges give me ideas to include in that album. And it won't always be pretty and happy.

But I also like the prompts they give, which get me thinking about myself in ways I sometimes haven't thought about myself. Like what is something I want to do before my next birthday, for example. I haven't actually created a page off these prompts, yet, but I plan to for my book of me album.

Best of: Recap and Project

I have been following Gwen Bell's Best of 2009 blog challenge for December. I have covered quite a bit. Before I move on to today's blog, I want to clarify something. The blog on Focused and Fearless basically counts for best book, while its author counts as best new person, and the associated retreat counts as best workshop. For a book I wasn't that thrilled about reading, it made a huge impact on me and my practice.

Today's topic is "project." What did you start this year that you're proud of.
It took some time to ponder this one. For quite some time, I could think of nothing. My projects aren't huge; they are, nevertheless, projects about which I feel some pride. The first is the organization of my crafting space, which I blogged about this summer on my other blog. It's so much easier to work in that environment now, and the space invites creative play.

I did start organizing my files and desk area, but that -- sadly -- never really materialized past the purchased labeler and some nicely labeled files. I need more follow-through there.

The other project that I am feeling pretty good about has to do with the senior project. I am working toward making the project more technologically friendly. The senior project is, after all, supposed to prepare students for the "real world," and truthfully what could better prepare them for this current world than technology? So I took all our forms and made them Adobe forms.

However, the one project I am most anticipating is the new digitial portfolio we're going to be piloting. To prevent as many glitches as possible, I made a template that students will be able to work out of. It's in Word, but you then publish it as a web page so that the links work fluidly. Someone can scroll down, page by page, or click on links from the table of contents and then back again. I'm crossing my fingers that it plays out well and that we don't have tons of judges without portfolios to view for whatever reason. But I think it's worth the effort and time it has taken me.

Best of 2009: New Person and Best Book

This one is a hard one for me. I've met a lot of new people - I do every year as a teacher. I like a lot of them; in fact, I like a lot of them a lot. Lots of people from Dharma Zephyr have made an impact on me, but none of them are new. I've also gotten to know some people better who then kind of became new people to me because of the new impressions they made on me:

• Ben, a special ed teacher, and his wife. They're both incredibly dedicated to their professions, their politics, and their son.
• Corina, the person who will be our new SP Coordinator. She's uber organized and professional.
• Our superintendent. Underneath that stoic persona is a man who cares a lot.
• Kenley, the daughter of a couple friends of mine. She was born early in 2009. She's so adorable, unique, and cute that you can't help but adore her. She's a special needs baby who is the happiest baby I have EVER met.
• Jenny, Kenley's mom. I always saw her as a super business woman. After Kenley's birth, a new Jenny was revealed to me, one who is loving and adoring and yet a fierce advocate for her daughter. She has inspired me.

All of these people and more have made an impression on me, but I think the one person who most impacted me is someone I never got to really know personally: Shaila Chatherine, who wrote the book Focused and Fearless (the book that I have chosen as best book of 2009) and who taught one of the day-long retreats I attended.

I went into this book dragging my feet. I knew it was about the jhanas (euphoric states that arise from deep concentration), and so I expected that I would get little out of it. I may never in my life time reach a jhanic state and will certainly not do so any time in the near future. So when the sangha chose this book to read together, I thought it would likely not mean much to me.

But I was wrong. First of all, much of the book deals with elements that apply to all Buddhists and that must be well-developed in order to begin jhanic practice. Things like equanimity and concentration. In fact, Catherine's chapter on equanimity is the best I have ever read on the subject. I must have read it three times. So as it turns out, the book had quite a bit of application for me.

Plus, a new focus of meditation was opened to me. Before I had just tried to quiet my mind or I would sometimes do metta (loving kindness meditation). But after doing concentration practice, I learned how powerful concentration practice can be. With concentration comes quiet; with quiet comes peace; with peace comes happiness. I grew a lot in my practice as a result of Shaila Catherine's book and retreat.

So thank you to DZIMC for choosing this book and introducing me to this amazing person and thank you to Shaila Catherine for being such a knowledgeable person and for sharing that knowledge with us.

Best of 2009: Night Out

*YAWN*

That's not because of the topic suggested by Gwen Bell. It's because it's 7:00, and bedtime approaches. When you have a youngster in your house who gets up at 6:00 without fail, it's almost impossible to ever sleep in. Even when he decides to sleep in or he is at a grandma's house for the night or DH gets up with him, I'm up by 6:00, even earlier most of the time, wide awake unable to go back to sleep even if I desperately want to.

So nights out are rare for me because they usually require being out past a bedtime that allows for me to get some sleep. Still, I will occasionally venture out.

I have had a few fun nights out with the girls eating and drinking or eating and then catching a movie. The picture below was from a very fun night.

And tomorrow night will be another one of those nights. We don't often get wild. Sometimes we enjoy wine; other times we eat dinner and go window shopping. But just being with my girlfriends, enjoying their company, is a blast in and of itself.

However, I still think my best night was the one in which Jason and I went to La Strada and then saw Bill Maher. I knew we were going out to dinner, but my husband had tickets to Bill Maher purchased long in advance as a surprise. The dinner was great; the company even better. The kids had their first sleepover together, so we got to not worry about what time we got home or paying a babysitter. You can't beat that!

Best of 2009: Car Ride

Writer's block. . . .

Hmmmm . . . .

Best car ride?

Couldn't tell ya.

I think it's yet to come. I love driving around town with my kids looking at Christmas lights. We do this at least once per season, sipping hot cocoa as we drive, ooohing and aaahing as much as possible. When a toddler sits in your car and sees sparkling lights, the moment is magical. He squeals with delight and points and laughs. It brings joy to your heart that something so simple brings him such pleasure.

With the snow around town and the crazy end-of-the-semester schedule, we haven't fulfilled this holiday tradition yet, but I'm sure when we do, that night ride will be my best car ride of the year.

2009 shopping

I am still following Gwenn Bell's Best of 2009 blog prompts. Today's is shopping - where did you spend most of your money? I hate to say it, even though I work very hard to nix the Starbucks habit during my low-impact months, I always end up working my way back to regular Starbucks lattes. It's not a daily habit, but it's pretty darn close.

My coffee addiction doesn't really bother me; however, not only is Starbucks a waste of money, but it's also a garbage-producing machine. Think about all those green and white (or red this time of year) cups that fill our landfills because of people like me.

Still, there's something very comforting about sitting at my desk at work or on the couch while I'm reading to my kids or at my computer desk while holding a nice, hot latte.

I read about this study where they told people they were coming in for a survey. At the elevator entrance, they had a girl standing with a clipboard who took their names and basic demographic information before they were to head upstairs to the actual study. Unbeknownst to the participants, the study was actually taking place there. For half the people, she held a hot drink and would ask them to hold it while she wrote down information. The other half were asked to hold her cold drink. Once upstairs, they were asked what they thought about the person at the elevator - was she friendly, warm, outgoing, etc.? Those who were asked to hold the hot cup were much more like to see her as a friendly, outgoing and caring person than those who held the cold cups thought she was.

That study resonated with me because I really feel more calm and in a weird way kind of safe when I hold a hot cup in my hands. It's as much about the experience as it is about the taste or the caffeine. That's why the travel mugs don't really cut it - because they insulate too well.

Lots of silly rationalization for my sloppy habit. That's what blogging is all about, right?

2009: Practice

The year 2009 was a year of practice for me for many different reasons. Last spring, I was tested and had to do my best to apply the Buddhist teachings in a somewhat confrontational setting. It was a challenge to apply compassion and right speech when I really just wanted to scream, cry, and . . . well, you know, throw a temper tantrum. I wasn't perfect, that's for sure. But I did handle some things more maturely than I normally would have, and I think I did have compassion for someone whom at the time I didn't want to feel anything by anger toward. It was an excellent couple months of the more practical form of "practice."

I did two low-impact months of no shopping, which is always an excellent form of awareness practice.

This summer, I followed through on a 90-day focus on practice during which I meditated every day, attended a day-long concentration retreat, read articles, listened to podcast dharma talks, read a dharma book, and tried to live by the ten grave precepts. I didn't feel like I was accomplishing much at the time, but in retrospect, my practice grew tremendously.

I also felt that in the summer, largely a result of my daily meditations, I was able to reach new levels of concentration. It was good because it spurred my interest more in the meditation or "practice" side of Buddhism, not just the daily life stuff. My meditations at two of the day-longs I attended were the quietest and most concentrated I have ever been.

I feel I am applying my practice more to daily life now; I'm seeing the fruits of my efforts. I am more equanimous in general - not getting as ruffled as quickly. Sure, I still have a long journey ahead of me, but the past year has been a year of flourishing practice for me.

In 2010 I hope to attend a residential retreat and to engage in another 90 days of a focus on practice. I also plan on doing two more low-impact months and attending as many day-long retreats as possible.

So here's to a great year of practice and hopefully a full 2010.

2009: Best Article

I am a reader. That's how I learn about the world, and writing is how I process what I learn about the world. Right now, I've been on this kick of reading about the plasticity of the brain. I just find it a really cool concept that has far-reaching implications for me personally but also culturally if we use this information properly. So I subscribe to Rick Hanson's Just One Thing newsletter. Recently, he wrote in an article called "Take in the Good" about the brain's negativity bias and how it relates to happiness. He explains that humans have a natural tendency to focus on the negative - it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint, considering that in the wild you have to pay more attention to the thing that might kill you versus the thing that brings you pleasure. Hanson explains some techniques to circumvent the negativity bias - mostly he says to set time aside to focus on the positive.

All of this is interesting, but the article meant a lot more to me a week later. I had decided to give it to my seniors to read. These students are anything but readers, and I do my best to find non-fiction pieces I can give them to help prepare them for college and to expose them to new ideas. Much to my surprise, they loved the article. They asked to keep a copy of it. One student came in before school to thank me for sharing it with him.

I was pleasantly shocked. It was nice to know that I found a topic they felt pertained to them; in fact, it was nice to know they saw it as a topic that pertained to them.

So really, this one Rick Hanson article ended up being a connection between me and a group of non-readers. Maybe, with any luck, the article will increase their curiosity about the world.

Besties: Trip and Restaurant Experience

So I listen to this podcast called "Zen is Stupid," which you might think is odd for a Buddhist-type like me, but the title is misleading. The two gabbers, Gwen and Patrick, are Buddhist, although their podcasts are not always about Buddhism, per se.

I was intrigued by their most recent podcast in which Gwen explained her December blogger challenge of bests. For each day of the month, she posts a topic for which you can blog your best of. I will start with the first two topics: best trip and best restaurant moment.

I will sum up the trip in pictures, rather than a rambling bloggy message:

Quick digression: Can Blogger not figure out an easier way to post and move photos in a blogpost? Good Lord!

Now to my best restaurant experience: I'm sure all you parents out there get this, but most of my restaurant experiences involve crayons and/or play areas, which means I don't really get a lot of great meals out. I'm usually pretty excited when I can sneak a bite of my son's chicken nuggets without my husband seeing. But I was lucky enough to get two really tasty meals out: one at Z Bistro, a french bistro in town, and the other at La Strada, a famous Italian restaurant in Reno.

All I ordered at Z Bistro was borscht, but it was lovely to the eyes and to the taste buds. I also got to enjoy the company of my mom and my aunt Ilse.

My lamb at La Strada was heavenly. Pure heaven, I tell you. It didn't hurt that I had a great glass of wine to go with it and that the entire evening (dinner and the Bill Maher show) were a complete surpriseby my husband.

So, more to come later.

OUCH!

Kinked my neck. It hurts. I'm whiney and full of self-pity. Fortunately, we have a three day weekend that I can spend in bed if need-be.

Watching Them Grow Part II

My lil' guy will be three next month! It's amazing how quickly time flies.

With his birthday approaching, I have been thinking a lot about how he has changed. He is a peculiar lad who gets very attached to certain things and certain routines. It's usually sweet and cute, although there are times it can make things difficult. Nevertheless, I thought I would share some of his cute quirks:

• He sleeps with a paci, two silky blankets and as many trains as he can cram into his bed.
• He loves to kiss me.
• He likes to take his Thomas train to the park and send it down the big, curly slide. In fact the above picture of him and his train was taken at a park.
• He is terrified of showers, spiders, nail clippers, and sitting on the toilet.
• Every morning when I get him out of bed, I dress him and then hang him upside down as I carry him downstairs. Once in the kitchen, I set him down and get him a granola bar. He sits in my chair at the table, but with his Thomas mat in front of him. (This is an example of one of his goofy routines. He isn't super flexible.
• He likes to sit on my lap while I surf the Thomas web page.
• He copies much of what his older sister does. If she says she has a stomach ache, he says he has one. If she says she doesn't like her dinner, he says he doesn't like his.
• He loves to be read to, which is one of my favorite things to do with him.
• He loves parks and the Children's Musuem.

Anyway, we're looking forward to Halloween, which around here is Friday because Saturday is Nevada Day. We get Friday off. WOOHOO!

Happy Nevada Day and Happy Halloween!

Watching them grow isn't always easy

My daughter is getting to be a "big kid." She already has that big kid attitude, the whatever in her voice. But she'll always be my little girl. I have been reflecting lately on her growing up and the things that I so admire or find endearing in her personality right now:

• She is an includer, always making sure people feel part of the group.
• Although she loves princesses, she also likes trains and tools.
• She is still, even at age six, a crazy dresser, and sometimes I want to scream You can't leave the house in THAT at her. Nevertheless, I bite my tongue and let her walk proudly out the door in her purple dress, red leggings, and rainbow socks.
• She is incredibly creative and can develop plot lines more intriguing that those in most children's movies.
• She can read better than some high school kids, no kidding. I knew she'd be a good reader, but holy cow, the girl can read some challenging material!
• She won't clean her room, but she will line up every toy in the bathroom, meticulously fold all the towels, strategically place the soap dispenser in the most particular way, and even line up the toilet paper rolls better than most OCD adults I know. Meanwhile, her room is literally dangerous to walk into.
• She has a better understanding of pitch than do I and is proving very successful on the piano.
• She draws lovely pictures of all sorts of things, but especially of people she loves.

Let us not forget to show our appreciation for those we love.

Lucky Me

It occurred to me today how lucky I am to have the job I have. I get to work with young people who are full of energy, compassion, and a desire to succeed. While I find my work frustrating at times, it is largely rewarding and inspiring.

Today I witnessed students struggling to understand a complicated topic (misused/misplaced modifiers). While they found it confusing, they barreled through it without complaint. I was without a doubt proud of their work ethics.

This weekend . . .

. . . was a blast. I got to attend one of the two single-day retreats by Donald Rothberg. He is one of my favorite teachers because he incorporates interactive activities to the day. While I felt that the second day's topic - Keeping Cool In The Fire: Becoming More Skillful With Inner Or Outer Conflict - was more personally relevant, I was only able to attend the Saturday retreat on Emptiness and Compassion. As it turns out, it was a happy accident, as I found the day enlightening and relevant.

I had previously decided the Buddhist concept of emptiness was beyond me, that okay - if I ever have the opportunity to go deep into practice, that I might get the chance to understand this topic somewhat vaguely.

But alas, Donald made the topic very clear. And this abstract concept is paradoxically kind of simple. He defines emptiness as no self without interdependence, meaning that we as individuals and our experiences do not exist without the myriad of other elements that play into/build upon the "self" and its experiences.

I try to come up with examples, but they fall flat, so let's just leave it at that. I feel very grateful to have had the opportunity to spend the day with such loving, compassionate people and to learn so much in so short a time. Plus, I meditated today for forty minutes, which I never do at home. It was a breeze. The day-longs definitely further my practice.

Meanwhile, DH and I attended a party sans kids, which we haven't done in YEARS. It was a blast hanging out with friends where none of us had to change a diaper, settle a dispute, leave at 7 p.m. for bedtime, or wipe a nose.

Today was productive. The kids spent the night at my MIL's house, which meant I was able to work on Rosalind's costume, clean my car, do laundry, go to lunch DH and meditate all without interruption.

I feel very lucky to have the life I have.

War

How do you explain war to an inquisitive six-year-old?

At the dinner table tonight, my husband and I struggled to answer our daughter's questions regarding war. What is war? Why is our country at war? Of the two wars we have now, which is "the good war"?

It saddened me to be explaining to this sweet child that people kill one another over serious issues, but also sometimes over money and greed.

Over the last few years, I have experienced a lot of sadness and guilt: I can get up every morning knowing with some relative certainty that my children will return home alive at the end of the day, but many mothers in Iraq don't have that luxury. Isn't that something that all mothers deserve?

I watched my daughter with pride and a little twinge of grief as her face got quiet after every answer we offered. She lost a bit of her innocence, her belief that the world is a completely safe and loving place. She seemed to understand the complexity of the situation, the gray areas of something as complicated as war.

This is what it's like to watch a little girl grow up. It's not entirely bad.

And then tonight I found this image:. It brought me to tears.

My one hope is that her generation can find away around killing human beings as a solution to problems. It's a far-off, light-headed dream, I know. But I'm willing to wait and see.

More on Happiness

One other comment about happiness that stood out from the Rick Hanson retreat is his comment that people learn better when they're happy because dopamine encourages synaptic development. As a teacher, I clicked into this concept. It is a good reminder to find enjoyable ways for my students to learn.

That's all for this cold, wet kind of day.

Happiness, Meditation and the Brain

Disclaimer: In this blog post I cover some very complicated issues presented at a retreat. I hope that I come close to the target as I try to explain them. I am not a neural scientist and do not fully understand the concepts I relay, but I have done my best is formulating my understanding of them.

When I went shopping for a faith a couple years back, the NPR Science Friday episode that covered the Dalai Lama and scientists studying happiness caught my attention. The show documented a connection between Buddhist practice and happiness. I couldn't have been more intrigued, so I started looking into Buddhism and eventually decided to dive in and start my practice.

Part of my practice is attending our sangha's day-long retreats. The recent Rick Hanson retreat covered meditation and the brain. Part of that talk included a discussion on happiness.

Hanson talked about synaptic patterns and how they form. He explained that "those that fire together wire together," meaning that when a person has repeated thought patterns, synapses fire; those firings form a connection, thereby forming a neural pattern. For example, a person who is ruminating about an argument she had with her partner is solidifying that negative pattern through her rumination. Then she sees her partner, and those negative synapses are triggered, and a negative attitude toward her partner is stimulated.

One of the more intriguing elements of this is that negative thought processes "wire together" much more quickly than do positive thought processes. Hanson pointed out to us that this serves a biological, evolutionary purpose. A primate living in the wild must pay more attention to those things that could kill her than those things that bring her pleasure. It's a matter of survival.

Hanson's point in discussing this is that we need to consciously focus more on the positive thoughts to encourage our brains to think positively. Because negative patterns formulate more quickly and more easily than do positive, we must work harder at developing the positive. Meditation, specifically metta meditation, does this. When a meditator sits and focuses on loving, kind feelings associated with others, even toward a person with whom she has difficulties, she is solidifying that positive synaptic association. The result is a happier and kinder person.

As part of our practice that day, Hanson lead us through a guided meditation using the following steps:

1. Setting intention
2. Relaxing the body
3. Focusing on feelings of safety
4. Evoking positive emotions
5. Absorbing the benefits

Step four had a profound effect on me - during this step I felt euphoric. The process is to focus on all the things in your life that make you happy. Doing so after having done steps one through three - for me - resulted in intense happiness and a very quiet mind. While going through my list of things that make me happy (my children, my marriage, my job, my sangha, my dogs, my friends, etc.), I started listing things that I would normally consider a negative. I was moved by this connection - that I could learn to deeply love the problems and the people that bring me strife.

One of the things I so dearly love is science, particularly medical science. I love to read about new discoveries in science. At this retreat Hanson illustrated just how far the field of neural science has come when he said that in the last twenty years we have doubled our understanding of the brain and that scientists expect that to double again in the next twenty years.

The biggest discovery has been our understanding of the relationship between the brain and the mind: no longer do scientists believe that the brain only affects the mind, but they now also believe that the mind affects the brain, as illustrated in the "those that fire together wire together" concept I mentioned above.

That is huge. Everyone should know this.

Yes, hormonal imbalances can affect mood, but we also now know that thought patterns can affect biological functions that happen in the brain, thereby either encouraging or discouraging happiness.

This is good news: We have some control over happiness.

Rick Hanson Retreat

I spent Saturday at a daylong retreat hosted by Dharma Zephyr Insight Medidation Community and taught by Dr. Rick Hanson. Hanson is a psychologist who is also a Buddhist practitioner and a contributor to recent research on the brain and meditation. (His web page is wisebrain.org. I suggest everyone check it out.)

The day's talk gave me so much to think about that I don't even know where to start on this blog. After some thought, I decided to start with a theme I focused on a while back as a result of Hanson's newsletter for wisebrain.org: not taking things personally.

A while back, one of the DZ members suggested our sangha do a year of practice, where each one of us takes one suggestion from the Wise Brain bulletin and focus on that one element. I adopted the challenge to not taking things personally.

I think it's important to start this discussion with a caveat on my experience: not taking things personally is like asking myself to never get angry. For me, it is pretty much an impossible task. I did take things personally, but there were moments in which I was able to contemplate my response to a certain stimuli and to try to not take it personally.

On the superficial level, not taking things personally can do wonders for your relationship by establishing a peace that might not otherwise exist. When my husband, for example, asked me if I understood the essay he gave me, I reminded myself to not take things personally. I avoided the normal, negative response I have to his concerns that I don't understand something intellectual. What could have been another terse moment between the two of us turned into a short, not unpleasant discussion.

On a deeper level, not taking things personally is letting go of the self, a Buddhist teaching that not only boggles my mind, but often evades it as well. I do not exist because - really - what am I? As Rick Hanson's partner with the Wise Brain web page, Dr. Rick Mendius explains, ". . . [T]here is no self to be injured, but only the arising and passing of states of mind." If I remember that I am not insulted, but rather there exists an emotion of feeling insulted, I can separate from it. This is good practice at beginning to understand the concept of no self, for me anyway.

A better method of understanding of no self would have been to attend the second day-long retreat. Sunday's topic was No Self and the Brain. From what I hear, it was fascinating.

I could write for a year on topics that emerged in the retreat, but I think I'll cover two more: happiness and brain chemistry. To be continued . . . .

In Remembrance

Today is September 11, 2009. Eight years ago, I stood in front of my television and watched as a plane flew into the second tower. At that moment, I was clueless as to the extent of what was happening, but underneath my confusion, I knew that my world was about to change.

Eight years later, I still mourn the day that so many died in the terrorist attacks. I don't mourn the loss of our country's innocence, however. If anything good could come from such a terrible day, it is that Americans began to see themselves through the eyes of others. It took some time, but because of September 11, more Americans are aware of the fact that our government funds groups like al-Qaida when it serves in our best interest. After September 11, we began to see that America is not always the great liberator that we think she is. What could be more patriotic than seeing your own country with clear vision and not the myopia that so often limits our vision? To be able to love your country and know that she isn't perfect is a gift.

And still, it is a day I mourn. I mourn for those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, and those who suffered unmentionable grief as they witnessed their own city collapse.

On this day eight years ago, common Americans became heroes, entering burning buildings to save others, facing off with terrorists to prevent more loss of lives, and giving of their all to help their neighbor escape a calamitous situation.

It is also the day that our country joined together and for once put down differences in ideology.
But I am sentimental about this day. I am aware that that our joining together is what led us into an unjust war. In the days following September 11, our president could have led us to war with France because we so blindly bonded.

As I write this, I see contradicting statements in my words and lack of coherence - bouncing back and forth between ideas and stances, lack of smooth transitioning, inarticulately worded sentiments. Yet, I am okay with that because I know that that dissonance most clearly reflects my feelings on this anniversary. September 11 is so powerful for me because it contains for me deep grief, love, sorrow, and hope, as paradoxical as that may sound. America is, after all, a country of paradoxes.

Fatigue

I should grade papers. I should do laundry. I should get things ready for the morning. I should put my toddler back into his bed for the umpteenth time.

But sometimes the evening fatigue weighs me down like an anchor.

Tonight I am moored.

And feeling very guilty.

Achebe Vs. Conrad (or Achebe Vs. Me) Part II

I have been thinking about the topic of my last posting quite a bit since I last posted. Tonight, I sat down and in Yahoo typed Achebe and . . . . Before I could type Conrad, Yahoo filled it in with "Conrad." It seems I'm not the only one concerned with this topic and not the only one to defend Conrad and still admire Achebe.

Caryl Phillips writes for The Guardian, "The lecture has since come to be recognised as one of the most important and influential treatises in post-colonial literary discourse. However, the problem is I disagree with Achebe's response to the novel, and have never viewed Conrad - as Achebe states in his lecture - as simply 'a thoroughgoing racist'. Yet, at the same time, I hold Achebe in the highest possible esteem, and therefore, a two-hour drive up the Hudson River Valley into deepest upstate New York would seem a small price to pay to resolve this conundrum."

Phillips writes about his discussion with Achebe, and I must say that some of what Achebe says is convincing:

"...If Conrad's intention is to draw a cordon sanitaire between himself and the moral and psychological malaise of his narrator, his care seems to me to be totally wasted because he neglects to hint, clearly and adequately, at an alternative frame of reference by which we may judge the actions and opinions of his characters. It would not have been beyond Conrad's power to make that provision if he had thought it necessary. Conrad seems to me to approve of Marlow..."

Okay, I see his point. It's kind of what I thought about the narrator of Things Fall Apart.

Achebe goes on to say, "Africa as setting and backdrop, which eliminates the African as human factor. Africa as a metaphysical battlefield devoid of all recognisable humanity, into which the wandering European enters at his peril. Can nobody see the preposterous and perverse arrogance in thus reducing Africa to the role of props for the break-up of one petty European mind?"

I'm tired and have thoughts that are not making their way into the world of words, so I'm going to just say, "Okay, Achebe. I hear ya'."

Achebe Vs. Conrad (or Achebe Vs. Me)

Warning: This is a very English-teachery kind of post, so for those of you who thought talking about literature in school was akin to torture, move on, my friends, move on.

I am reading Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart. I really like the story and the cadence of the language. The metaphorical, almost lyrical, story telling is enchanting.

But I should tell you that I procrastinated reading this book for a very long time because Achebe once gave a very famous speech in which he called Joseph Conrad a racist because of what he wrote in Heart of Darkness.

Now, I am not the biggest fan of Heart of Darkness (although I celebrate its literary value), but I have to say that anyone who calls Conrad a racist is completely missing the point of Conrad's book.

Back up: Why does Achebe call Conrad racist? I can see why, I guess. The story is about a man who travels into the heart of Africa via the Congo to retrieve a man lost to civilization. I can see why superficially someone might know the plot and think, "Conrad likens Africa to man's heart of darkness. He is calling the Africans evil; therefore, Conrad equals racist."

The fallacy in this syllogism is that Conrad isn't calling Africans evil. What he is really saying is that all men (humans) have within them the ability to act in evil ways. But at an even closer reading, we see that the story's theme rests here: the true barbarians are not the natives whom we call "barbarians," but rather the white European colonialists who conquer, rape, murder, enslave and mutilate other human beings all for greed. "The horror! The horror!" that Kurtz malents is not the horrors of the Africans, but the horrors of the white settlers.

I feel oddly defensive of Conrad and his story.

And my defensiveness of Conrad kept me from reading Achebe's book for a long time (seven years to be exact). As I expected, however, I am enjoying the book except that if Achebe can call Conrad a racist, then I can call Achebe a sexist. The narrator speaks about how the main character deserved to be able to beat his wife because, after all, she wasn't home in time to make dinner, but it was the Week of Peace, so he had to be punished. Later, we learn that the main character is proud because he can see that his son will be able to control his wives. There are a few other tidbits here and there.

I would never call Conrad a racist, and I am aware that Achebe isn't the speaker here, but rather the narrator. But if he can read so superficially, a part of me wants to do the same to him.

But I won't. Well, I guess I just did. But I will enjoy the last few pages of his book that I haven't been able to put down.

Jewelry

Our 8th anniversary is approaching, and my husband has suggested that he buy me a piece of jewelry that I pick out. My first thought: "I'd rather get a new iPod." I'm not sure what this says about me, if anything.

I have never been a big jewelry person. I like costume jewelry, you know - the kind that isn't locked up behind glass in department stores. But even the most expensive item in my jewelry box, the wedding ring I have literally outgrown, is only worth a couple hundred dollars.

Right before Rosalind was born, I read King Leopold's Ghost, a book about the Dutch colonization of what we now call Congo. Cutting off a hand was often punishment in the diamond mines. The picture of a Congolese man and his son both missing a hand still haunts me today. It wasn't just their missing hands that bothered me, but also the thought of what the father went through when his son's hand was cut off that disturbed me. Since then, diamonds have not only not appealed to me, but they have also come to represent something sinister to me. Unlike Kanye West who sings in "Diamonds from Sierre Leone" about his attempt to reconcile his desire for "bling" with his desire to do no harm to his African brethren, I don't desire diamonds at all.

This isn't to say that I'm not greedy and that I don't want things. That would be wholly dishonest. I want electronic gadgets, books, crafting supplies, a new bike, clothes, a kid-free vacation, and some salad plates. And a hybrid car, but that will have to wait a couple years.

The question I often consider is whether those kinds of images - of people with missing hands, of dead animals, of destroyed or polluted environments - exist behind the objects I so happily purchase: patterned paper, flip flops, Revlon lip gloss, printer cartridges. If I knew that was the case, would I stop buying these items? Could I know it? Would I choose to know it?

Meanwhile, I have to decide whether to or not I should take my husband up on his offer and avoid the diamond aisle altogether or to suggest a different route, like maybe a love letter. Or a bike. Or a new iPod.

The Laugh's On Me

So much for my plan of avoiding any kind of consumption. Today I realized Sawyer only has three pair of shorts, and one pair is at my mom's. So I broke my own rule, but not completely: I went shopping at the OARC thrift store. (Note to self: Always hit OARC first .They're prices are amazing. I bought a pair of shorts for Sawyer and a coloring book for a total of 35 cents. Huzzah! Similar shorts were 3.50 at Goodwill.)

Later the entire family and I went to Goodwill for some more shopping. I found a pair of shorts for Sawyer, which was the whole point. But I have trouble resisting deals and definitely experienced that clinging feeling. I wanted the salad plates, the tote bag, and the movie (in a medium we don't even own anymore). Even a thrift store brings out my desire to acquire. However, that feeling I get from acquiring only lasts for a short while, promptly leading to more acquiring. It's like an addiction and one that is encouraged every time I turn on the TV, walk into a store, drive past a billboard or listen to the radio.

My one success: I REALLY wanted a latte and not a home-brewed latte. I even got into my car to drive to Starbucks . . . and then got out of the car and walked hangdoggedly back into the house and brewed a mediocre iced latte.

Total non sequitur: I started getting chest pains on the way to Goodwill. I am pretty sure it's heartburn because what I read says that if when you lay down it gets worse, it's probably GI related. It was pretty painful and scary, and no, I did not go to the hospital like I know I should have. But I'm sitting here now and not feeling any pain, so all is well.

Low Impact, Round IV

I'm doing another low-impact consumption month. I am going about it a little differently this time. Instead of just making it about environmental issues, I am trying to incorporate awareness of clinging and finances. In the past, I didn't buy anything (or avoided buying anything) that meant more trash in our landfills. This meant I could buy electronic items, such as songs on iTunes and digital scrapbooking items from Two Peas.

My goal this time is to let go of the rush, no matter how small, that comes with acquiring something. If I'm buying an Adobe action or fonts for a digi page, I'm still getting the same rush I get when I buy brads and stickers from Michael's.

I also need to pay more attention to my spending. I'm not someone who goes out an buys a nice, new car or a new couch. I whittle money away. I buy three yards of fabric here and scrapbooking paper there and pants for my son here and a hat for my daughter there. It adds up.

What I want is to be more careful about differentiating between "need" and "want." At least being aware of the two differences may be helpful.

Here's the other issue that has recently come to my attention: I have A LOT of crafting items - paper, ribbon, fabric, patterns, etc. I just emptied my craft area of six bags of stuff to give away and two trash bags of garbage. Although things are cleaner and more organized, there is still way too much stuff. Since Sawyer was born, I have sewn very little - an outfit for my daughter and a few small items, like napkins. This hasn't stopped my purchasing of fabric and patterns, however. So I'm sure you can imagine how things start to pile up.

One possible glitch is that my sister-in-law is coming out here for a week with her three kids. We haven't seen them in five years; in fact, I've never met the two youngest. It may very well mean some fast food jaunts and what-not, but I'm willing to postpone the project if necessary. She's definitely worth it.

Hmmm.....

So I get on the "new" scale last night six times, and every time I get a completely different weight with a 22 pound range from the highest to the lowest. Maybe I haven't gained weight after all . . . .

I have gained a lot of weight recently. I am not far from my peak weight when I was pregnant the second time around. Not good.

I started working out again out last week - got three days in. I also watched what I ate most days. I lost three pounds in a couple of days and then gained five in the last few, putting me at +2. I've recently experienced a number of awkward pregnancy questions, which spurred me into researching weight gain in women as they age. Turns out that gaining weight, especially in the abdomen, is very typical of someone my age, and it also turns out that losing it is harder as we get older, since women's metabolism slows down 10% for every ten years of age. Plus, as women age, weight loss proves more difficult. Add to that that stress has been proven to be a factor of weight gain, and I have myself a perfect storm.

So now that I know what I'm up against, I can relax and tackle this more methodically. I can't expect to lose weight quickly, and I know that I'm in some ways typical of someone my age. I want to be healthier, and I want to look nicer. It will come with time and with workouts, but I know I cannot expect to be where I was ten years ago, let alone twenty years ago. That actually makes me feel a lot better.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to be more focused, less nibbly at night, and more active overall. We'll see what happens.

Cool Blog Found

I occasionally like to browse the blogs in blogger. Today I hit this blog: Avignon in Photos. I have been to Avignon and LOVED it. Looking at the pictures makes me want to go back. I loved the architecture, the food, the wine, and yes, even the people. I thought the French were very friendly except in Paris, which is a big city anyway. Looking at the pictures makes me smell France again.

Ahh . . . the days of being free and being able to travel to Europe. Although I miss those days, I ma very content with my life now. Still, I am looking forward to the time when I my kids are old enough to travel out of the country. I think they'll love it.

The extra poundage, dog update

I gained a lot of weight this semester in a very short period of time. I learned, incidentally, that I am a comfort eater, which I would have denied prior to this semester. Now I'm working on losing it. I lost two pounds in two days without even trying hard, which just goes to show how much I was having to eat to maintain this weight. Last night was a bust, and I ate like a pig. I had forgotten to eat lunch, so I pigged out at dinner.

***

Our new edition to the family, Triton the dog, is going to have to go. I like him a lot and especially like that he doesn't shed, but he has bitten both kids in the face. The tricky part is getting the lady from Boxers and Buddies to accept the towel I'm throwing in. She's an excellent dog trainer, and when I told her Triton had bitten Sawyer, she had me come to classes with her and had me follow certain dominance establishing procedures. He seemed to be getting better, and then he bit Rosalind in the hand and then later in the face. As a mother, my first priority is the safety of my kids. Plus, it gets exhausting always having to worry about where the dog is, where the kids are, and whether the dog is feeling threatened. The kids don't harass him, but Triton gets very nervous about feeling cornered, which is when he bites.

***

I'm loving summer!

What a Crazy Semester

This last semester was insane - busy and the most stressful I have had in eleven years as a teacher. Budget cuts are no fun. Nevertheless, our school still stands, and I am alive and well and ready to do some blogging. Right now I'm trying to cram a semester's worth of neglect (health and well-being, house work, intellectual, parenting, etc.) into a week of summer, which doesn't seem to be working. I'm going to have to slow down and take things one step at a time.

I'm thinking of changing my blogging up some and moving the Buddhist commentary to its own blog. It seems weird to mix it with pictures of my kids. Those of us at Dharma Zephyr have been

I am going to work on getting my sewing and crafting space into shape and am going to take before and after pictures. I have a ridiculously long list of projects to work on this summer. My craft area is first on the list.

Right now I have to go handle a temper tantrum. signing off . . . .

Equanimity, Part II

While I never discussed my thoughts on equanimity and my dog's death with the sangha, I did discuss with them my difficulty in balancing equanimity at work. We had discussed how equanimity's far enemy is overreaction, while its near enemy is apathy. I had mentioned to the sangha that with all the budget cuts at work (for those unaware, Nevada has the worst budget gap in all 50 states right now, and every school district is feeling the clamp), I wanted to be equanimous but feared being passive, especially since as department head, I represent others.

Kathy mentioned that she worked on equanimity while driving. It wasn't until the next day that I got what she was saying - don't start with the big stuff, doofess. (The doofess added on my part, not Kathy's.) Pay attention to reactions to daily irritations, not how you handle a dog's death or lay offs.

Doh!

So I've been paying attention to equanimity while I'm driving, which is kind of cheating because I don't get upset when I drive. But I kind of needed the freebie here. I was so down on myself over my grief that I was relieved to see I have equanimity somewhere in my life.

* * *

Thanks to Tori for the kind comment. I stopped getting emails about comments and didn't realize it was there.

Equanimity Part I (Petie the Dog)

My sangha is reading Shaila Catherine's Focused and Fearless. At the moment, we are reading a chapter on equanimity. While I knew I had work to do with this practice, until we read this chapter and discussed it, I had no idea how much work I had to do with equanimity. So for that reason, I titled this Equanimity Part I, as I'm sure there will be more on the topic.

A little over a week ago, I made the difficult decision to put my dog down. It was difficult for the obvious reason: no one wants to say goodbye to a beloved pet. But on top of that, I felt in some way that I had betrayed him by taking him to his death. Logically, I know I did the right thing by him. Emotionally, I feel like Brutus. There is more to the story, but I'll spare you all the details that will surely mean more to me than to you.

While some people have monkey mind, the mind that jumps from thought to thought, for about a week I had monkey life. I made feeble attempts at resisting my grief and guilt. For three days, I spun my wheels until they almost feel off, dreading the quiet that did not fail to bring me to my knees. I did not meditate for a week, knowing that a quiet moment alone with my thoughts would involve lots of crying. I panicked and pushed myself to fatigue.

And here's where the equanimity, or lack thereof, comes into play. When the sangha talked about equanimity last week, it became clear to me that I had not handled his death with any kind of equanimity.

This kind of surprised me. A few months ago, my dad warned me about my dog's health and how I would have to make that hard decision sooner than later. I shrugged, assured him I was aware of that fact, and moved on. I almost felt guilty that the thought didn't make me feel sad. I knew my dog had lived a long life of sixteen years, and although I do not know what his first seven were like, I do know that the last nine have been pretty kosh.

So when the grief of saying goodbye to my dog doubled me over and sent me into a whirlwind of frantic attempts at escaping emotion coupled with bouts of sobbing, I was a little taken aback.

Equanimous, foschwamanous. I was, quite simply, a mess.

Monday night, we talked about equanimity, and I realized how much I clearly lacked. I left feeling disappointed in myself and moped. Then the next morning it occurred to me that maybe the best place to start with equanimity is in the realization that I lack it. Maybe seeing it for what it was rather than engaging in self-degrading talk would be a good start for establishing some equanimity in my life. So here's my start: I see that I will benefit from working on equanimity. It is what it is.

Right Speech and Telemarketers

So, I'm working on right speech with my friends again. (Yes, I know this topic seems a little hackneyed, but it's a never-ending area of improvement for me.) And I've gotten tons of calls recently from telemarketers. (I don't know how we got off the no-call list. Note to self: Fix that.)

You know the drill: They call. You answer. They butcher your name and begin the long drawn-out, breathy script they recite with every phone call, making sure to continue speaking quickly so that you can't say a word. You interrupt, tell them no thank you, and they say, "I understand that ma'am, but . . . ."

The point where my irritation kicks in varies depending on my mood. Irritation, nevertheless, eventually kicks in, and what I want to say is certainly not right speech: something that sounds a lot like my two-year old when he's over-tired, teething, and being smothered by his sister.

But I've actually been working on how I respond to these people. First of all, I try to remember that these people are trying to make a living, and in these economic times, it could by any of us sitting there selling cleaning supplies over the phone. It's not exactly the caller whom is the object of my frustration, but rather the person who decided that their company ought to call people and that there ought to be a script that makes it very difficult for people to say no, namely little old ladies who've been taught all their lives that they should never, ever be rude, lest they be seen as not-ladylike. (That's another blog unto itself.)

But just because a person has called me up and not immediately accepted my decline does not make it wise to be unkind. Saying no - to anyone, not just a telemarketer - and doing so skillfully requires equanimity, patience, and mindfulness.

I'm not quite there yet. If you happen to be there, tips are always welcome. In the meantime, I'll welcome the calls as an opportunities to practice wise speech.

I decided to do a quick post add some pics to the blog. I guess I haven't been feeling very wordy lately.
DS enjoying a popsicle. DD and our friends daughter who has the best smile ever.

May daughter has her own sense of style.

She's a goofy kid.

I started a 365 picture a day project and belong to a Flikr group to keep me honest. They can be found here http://flickr.com/photos/25121555@N08/. I'm hoping to improve my phtography skills and get some great pictures of my family and my life. Check it out every now and then.