I have gained a lot of weight recently. I am not far from my peak weight when I was pregnant the second time around. Not good.

I started working out again out last week - got three days in. I also watched what I ate most days. I lost three pounds in a couple of days and then gained five in the last few, putting me at +2. I've recently experienced a number of awkward pregnancy questions, which spurred me into researching weight gain in women as they age. Turns out that gaining weight, especially in the abdomen, is very typical of someone my age, and it also turns out that losing it is harder as we get older, since women's metabolism slows down 10% for every ten years of age. Plus, as women age, weight loss proves more difficult. Add to that that stress has been proven to be a factor of weight gain, and I have myself a perfect storm.

So now that I know what I'm up against, I can relax and tackle this more methodically. I can't expect to lose weight quickly, and I know that I'm in some ways typical of someone my age. I want to be healthier, and I want to look nicer. It will come with time and with workouts, but I know I cannot expect to be where I was ten years ago, let alone twenty years ago. That actually makes me feel a lot better.

In the meantime, I'm going to try to be more focused, less nibbly at night, and more active overall. We'll see what happens.

Cool Blog Found

I occasionally like to browse the blogs in blogger. Today I hit this blog: Avignon in Photos. I have been to Avignon and LOVED it. Looking at the pictures makes me want to go back. I loved the architecture, the food, the wine, and yes, even the people. I thought the French were very friendly except in Paris, which is a big city anyway. Looking at the pictures makes me smell France again.

Ahh . . . the days of being free and being able to travel to Europe. Although I miss those days, I ma very content with my life now. Still, I am looking forward to the time when I my kids are old enough to travel out of the country. I think they'll love it.

The extra poundage, dog update

I gained a lot of weight this semester in a very short period of time. I learned, incidentally, that I am a comfort eater, which I would have denied prior to this semester. Now I'm working on losing it. I lost two pounds in two days without even trying hard, which just goes to show how much I was having to eat to maintain this weight. Last night was a bust, and I ate like a pig. I had forgotten to eat lunch, so I pigged out at dinner.

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Our new edition to the family, Triton the dog, is going to have to go. I like him a lot and especially like that he doesn't shed, but he has bitten both kids in the face. The tricky part is getting the lady from Boxers and Buddies to accept the towel I'm throwing in. She's an excellent dog trainer, and when I told her Triton had bitten Sawyer, she had me come to classes with her and had me follow certain dominance establishing procedures. He seemed to be getting better, and then he bit Rosalind in the hand and then later in the face. As a mother, my first priority is the safety of my kids. Plus, it gets exhausting always having to worry about where the dog is, where the kids are, and whether the dog is feeling threatened. The kids don't harass him, but Triton gets very nervous about feeling cornered, which is when he bites.

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I'm loving summer!

What a Crazy Semester

This last semester was insane - busy and the most stressful I have had in eleven years as a teacher. Budget cuts are no fun. Nevertheless, our school still stands, and I am alive and well and ready to do some blogging. Right now I'm trying to cram a semester's worth of neglect (health and well-being, house work, intellectual, parenting, etc.) into a week of summer, which doesn't seem to be working. I'm going to have to slow down and take things one step at a time.

I'm thinking of changing my blogging up some and moving the Buddhist commentary to its own blog. It seems weird to mix it with pictures of my kids. Those of us at Dharma Zephyr have been

I am going to work on getting my sewing and crafting space into shape and am going to take before and after pictures. I have a ridiculously long list of projects to work on this summer. My craft area is first on the list.

Right now I have to go handle a temper tantrum. signing off . . . .

Equanimity, Part II

While I never discussed my thoughts on equanimity and my dog's death with the sangha, I did discuss with them my difficulty in balancing equanimity at work. We had discussed how equanimity's far enemy is overreaction, while its near enemy is apathy. I had mentioned to the sangha that with all the budget cuts at work (for those unaware, Nevada has the worst budget gap in all 50 states right now, and every school district is feeling the clamp), I wanted to be equanimous but feared being passive, especially since as department head, I represent others.

Kathy mentioned that she worked on equanimity while driving. It wasn't until the next day that I got what she was saying - don't start with the big stuff, doofess. (The doofess added on my part, not Kathy's.) Pay attention to reactions to daily irritations, not how you handle a dog's death or lay offs.

Doh!

So I've been paying attention to equanimity while I'm driving, which is kind of cheating because I don't get upset when I drive. But I kind of needed the freebie here. I was so down on myself over my grief that I was relieved to see I have equanimity somewhere in my life.

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Thanks to Tori for the kind comment. I stopped getting emails about comments and didn't realize it was there.

Equanimity Part I (Petie the Dog)

My sangha is reading Shaila Catherine's Focused and Fearless. At the moment, we are reading a chapter on equanimity. While I knew I had work to do with this practice, until we read this chapter and discussed it, I had no idea how much work I had to do with equanimity. So for that reason, I titled this Equanimity Part I, as I'm sure there will be more on the topic.

A little over a week ago, I made the difficult decision to put my dog down. It was difficult for the obvious reason: no one wants to say goodbye to a beloved pet. But on top of that, I felt in some way that I had betrayed him by taking him to his death. Logically, I know I did the right thing by him. Emotionally, I feel like Brutus. There is more to the story, but I'll spare you all the details that will surely mean more to me than to you.

While some people have monkey mind, the mind that jumps from thought to thought, for about a week I had monkey life. I made feeble attempts at resisting my grief and guilt. For three days, I spun my wheels until they almost feel off, dreading the quiet that did not fail to bring me to my knees. I did not meditate for a week, knowing that a quiet moment alone with my thoughts would involve lots of crying. I panicked and pushed myself to fatigue.

And here's where the equanimity, or lack thereof, comes into play. When the sangha talked about equanimity last week, it became clear to me that I had not handled his death with any kind of equanimity.

This kind of surprised me. A few months ago, my dad warned me about my dog's health and how I would have to make that hard decision sooner than later. I shrugged, assured him I was aware of that fact, and moved on. I almost felt guilty that the thought didn't make me feel sad. I knew my dog had lived a long life of sixteen years, and although I do not know what his first seven were like, I do know that the last nine have been pretty kosh.

So when the grief of saying goodbye to my dog doubled me over and sent me into a whirlwind of frantic attempts at escaping emotion coupled with bouts of sobbing, I was a little taken aback.

Equanimous, foschwamanous. I was, quite simply, a mess.

Monday night, we talked about equanimity, and I realized how much I clearly lacked. I left feeling disappointed in myself and moped. Then the next morning it occurred to me that maybe the best place to start with equanimity is in the realization that I lack it. Maybe seeing it for what it was rather than engaging in self-degrading talk would be a good start for establishing some equanimity in my life. So here's my start: I see that I will benefit from working on equanimity. It is what it is.

Right Speech and Telemarketers

So, I'm working on right speech with my friends again. (Yes, I know this topic seems a little hackneyed, but it's a never-ending area of improvement for me.) And I've gotten tons of calls recently from telemarketers. (I don't know how we got off the no-call list. Note to self: Fix that.)

You know the drill: They call. You answer. They butcher your name and begin the long drawn-out, breathy script they recite with every phone call, making sure to continue speaking quickly so that you can't say a word. You interrupt, tell them no thank you, and they say, "I understand that ma'am, but . . . ."

The point where my irritation kicks in varies depending on my mood. Irritation, nevertheless, eventually kicks in, and what I want to say is certainly not right speech: something that sounds a lot like my two-year old when he's over-tired, teething, and being smothered by his sister.

But I've actually been working on how I respond to these people. First of all, I try to remember that these people are trying to make a living, and in these economic times, it could by any of us sitting there selling cleaning supplies over the phone. It's not exactly the caller whom is the object of my frustration, but rather the person who decided that their company ought to call people and that there ought to be a script that makes it very difficult for people to say no, namely little old ladies who've been taught all their lives that they should never, ever be rude, lest they be seen as not-ladylike. (That's another blog unto itself.)

But just because a person has called me up and not immediately accepted my decline does not make it wise to be unkind. Saying no - to anyone, not just a telemarketer - and doing so skillfully requires equanimity, patience, and mindfulness.

I'm not quite there yet. If you happen to be there, tips are always welcome. In the meantime, I'll welcome the calls as an opportunities to practice wise speech.