Best of 2009: Startup, Moment of Peace, and Challenge

Gwen Bell - Big Love in a Small World - Blog - The Best of 2009 Blog Challenge: "What's a business that you found this year that you love? Who thought it up? What makes it special?"

Can't say I can think of anything. Not one. I have stores I love. My favorite being County Purr Farm, my local scrapbooking store, where I have spent hours with my closest girl friends creating and talking. I also love The Purple Avacado, although I can count on one hand how many times I crossed the purple threshold in 2009. I will always enjoy spending time at my local JoAnne's and the local Mill End even if the past two years have seen a drastic decrease in my time at the sewing machine. There's something about walking down aisles of fabric, creating in my head all sorts of projects - a skirt from purple jersey for me, blue and white PJs for my son, a lady bug dress for my daughter. I get to sew even if the products never materialize. As weird as it may seem, I love my neighborhood Walgreen's - I print my beloved photos there, and you can get great college-ruled, purse-sized notebooks for a dollar! I still love New York and Company for clothes that actually fit me and Gap Body for the most comfie undies known to womankind.

None of these count, however, because they are not new to me. So I'm tapping out of this one.

For my catch-up entry, Ms. Bell asks about a moment of peace. This year is a good one for me. I would say I reached a deeper state of concentration than I have before and that I have reached levels of peace more profoundly than I have before, but it seems that writing about them is impossible without making it sound trite and cliche. Let me just say that my three-month focus on practice, my retreats, and Focused and Fearless really helped me progress in my practice.

My best challenge is easy, but what I just wrote had to be deleted because it would not be professional of me to post about it in a public setting. I'll sum it up to say budget cuts suck, and sometimes being the person representing others can be incredibly stressful - knowing that if you blow it, you're blowing it for thirty people, not just yourself, adds to the stress immensely. It was a challenge in managing anger, in leading, in communicating, and in dealing with disagreement. We lost. But I grew a lot in the process.

2009: Practice

The year 2009 was a year of practice for me for many different reasons. Last spring, I was tested and had to do my best to apply the Buddhist teachings in a somewhat confrontational setting. It was a challenge to apply compassion and right speech when I really just wanted to scream, cry, and . . . well, you know, throw a temper tantrum. I wasn't perfect, that's for sure. But I did handle some things more maturely than I normally would have, and I think I did have compassion for someone whom at the time I didn't want to feel anything by anger toward. It was an excellent couple months of the more practical form of "practice."

I did two low-impact months of no shopping, which is always an excellent form of awareness practice.

This summer, I followed through on a 90-day focus on practice during which I meditated every day, attended a day-long concentration retreat, read articles, listened to podcast dharma talks, read a dharma book, and tried to live by the ten grave precepts. I didn't feel like I was accomplishing much at the time, but in retrospect, my practice grew tremendously.

I also felt that in the summer, largely a result of my daily meditations, I was able to reach new levels of concentration. It was good because it spurred my interest more in the meditation or "practice" side of Buddhism, not just the daily life stuff. My meditations at two of the day-longs I attended were the quietest and most concentrated I have ever been.

I feel I am applying my practice more to daily life now; I'm seeing the fruits of my efforts. I am more equanimous in general - not getting as ruffled as quickly. Sure, I still have a long journey ahead of me, but the past year has been a year of flourishing practice for me.

In 2010 I hope to attend a residential retreat and to engage in another 90 days of a focus on practice. I also plan on doing two more low-impact months and attending as many day-long retreats as possible.

So here's to a great year of practice and hopefully a full 2010.

Right Speech and Telemarketers

So, I'm working on right speech with my friends again. (Yes, I know this topic seems a little hackneyed, but it's a never-ending area of improvement for me.) And I've gotten tons of calls recently from telemarketers. (I don't know how we got off the no-call list. Note to self: Fix that.)

You know the drill: They call. You answer. They butcher your name and begin the long drawn-out, breathy script they recite with every phone call, making sure to continue speaking quickly so that you can't say a word. You interrupt, tell them no thank you, and they say, "I understand that ma'am, but . . . ."

The point where my irritation kicks in varies depending on my mood. Irritation, nevertheless, eventually kicks in, and what I want to say is certainly not right speech: something that sounds a lot like my two-year old when he's over-tired, teething, and being smothered by his sister.

But I've actually been working on how I respond to these people. First of all, I try to remember that these people are trying to make a living, and in these economic times, it could by any of us sitting there selling cleaning supplies over the phone. It's not exactly the caller whom is the object of my frustration, but rather the person who decided that their company ought to call people and that there ought to be a script that makes it very difficult for people to say no, namely little old ladies who've been taught all their lives that they should never, ever be rude, lest they be seen as not-ladylike. (That's another blog unto itself.)

But just because a person has called me up and not immediately accepted my decline does not make it wise to be unkind. Saying no - to anyone, not just a telemarketer - and doing so skillfully requires equanimity, patience, and mindfulness.

I'm not quite there yet. If you happen to be there, tips are always welcome. In the meantime, I'll welcome the calls as an opportunities to practice wise speech.

More Communication

I attended a professional development course today and will finish it Monday. It's called "Cognitive Peer Coaching," which is a fancy way of saying How to Talk to Colleagues. It's a process used to help people come to their own conclusions about challenges that they face as educators. A lot of it is common sense, really, the kind that is still good to spend time thinking about and practicing.

What I found especially interesting was how much of it overlapped with the teachings of wise speech.

For example, in the coaching class we were taught about the benefits of pausing before speaking and how important it is to be mindful of what we say and how we say it.

Sounds familiar.

The main difference is that in the coaching process you are simply trying to be a mirror for the other person's ideas to reflect off of. It's not that any of the teaching conflicted with wise speech, but rather it has a very focused intention attached to it.

It's Not Always So Easy

I have been working on my sangha homework - to not talk about people who aren't in the room. Although I have done some refraining, I could definitely do better. I'm beginning to see why monks live in caves. It's definitely difficult to live the Dharma when you're interacting with the world. Of course, if it were easy, we'd all be enlightened.

I haven't been remembering about the being in the body homework, let alone actually doing it.

I did a short mediation (10 minutes) when I got to work today (Since kids are gone, my schedule is more flexible.). I focused on my intent for the day - to not talk about those not in the room. It helped. I ought to consider moving my meditations to the morning.

Signing out.

May you live in peace and happiness.

My Homework Day 1

My homework has been to not talk about anyone who isn't present. Yesterday's posting explains it further. I wasn't so successful today until after work when I told my friend what I was doing. Then, if we ventured into a discussion about someone, even a harmless one, I could easily opt out of the discussion.

Tomorrow I will try to be better at work.

Tomorrow I will remember how effective it can be to let people know my intentions. If I want to work on something -- whether it's right speech, stress management or my diet -- letting others know about my intentions can be invaluable.

Tomorrow I will start the day with a short meditation in which I establish my intentions for myself.

More to come later. . . .

My Homework

My sangha is currently working on wise speech. I have two homework assignments:

1. Focus on being in the body. This allows us to think more carefully about the intention behind what we're saying. The goal is to be at 50% in the body, 50% in the conversation.


2. One week not talking about someone not present. This isn't an exercise in how we should all live, but rather an exercise in mindfulness. It makes us more aware of how much we talk about others.

I will be reporting on my homework over the course of the next week.

On a completely separate note, I have had fun playing with my new camera's macro feature. I can get some pretty close pictures. of the week.

Wise Speech

I went to my first Buddhist retreat this weekend. It was a day-long retreat on the beautiful grounds of the Washoe Pines ranch in Washoe Valley, NV. Donald Rothberg taught about Right Speech. The content wasn't really new to me, but Donald did a wonderful job of structuring activities for reflection and practice. (If you ever get the chance to go to a retreat taught by Donald, I suggest you take it. He is interesting and inspiring, and he uses proven teaching strategies.)

We were reminded of the 4 qualities of wise speech:

1. Truthful
2. Helpful
3. Kind
4. Well intended (including right timing and appropriateness)

For those who are not familiar with this teaching: The idea is that everything you say (or write) should meet all four criteria. If something is kind and helpful, but not an honest observation, it should not be communicated. If something is honest, but won't help the person, it should not be said. If it's truthful, helpful and kind, but it's not the appropriate time, one should wait. If it's truthful, helpful and timely, but your tone is harsh (and therefore not kind), it's not wise speech.

I could work on all four of these, but I mostly struggle with the timing issue and the helpful issue. With inner reflection, I can know that something is true and kind, but the helpful and the timing can sometimes be a little bit of a crap shoot. I've learned this with students. There have been times when I have been pretty insistent that a student understand my expectations, only to later find out the student had just recently lost a parent. I think I need to explore this issue further.

The sangha continued the discussion Monday night. We agreed to assign ourselves a homework assignment. I decided to try the spend-a-week-not-talking-about-someone-not-in-the-room homework assignment. This applies to even saying good things. It's a practice in being aware of how much we talk about others. This has been very difficult for me. I knew I would have to give myself some exceptions as department head, as much of my job is representing admin to the department and vice versa, but it has been almost overwhelming how many times I have been challenged with this. For example, I was on the hiring committee for the new principal. Someone asked me if I thought our choice would make a good principal. If I hadn't said anything, it would have "said" a lot that I didn't want said. I am happy with our new principal, and I felt it important as department head that I share that with this person.

Another challenge is trying to break the gossiping/whining/complaining pattern that I have with some people. I don't want to embarrass them by making a statement about not wanting to engage in a conversation they started, since I helped establish that pattern of communication. With my closest friends it's easy because I can tell them what I'm doing, but with the lunch room crew, with my peers at work, it's more of a challenge. I have kept quiet and even left the room. And I have jumped in a couple of times. I'm wondering if there is a way to say, "I am working on not talking about people who are not present," or if redirecting conversation is the better approach.

Well, it's time to put the kidlings to bed. I guess this blog is becoming more about Buddhism than anything else.

DD is sick with an asthma attack. DS has a runny nose and a cough. Cannot cling to their health.